Jesus wept, will you people please stop asking me for money.

This last two week period has been nothing but take take take from you work-shy job-hoppers and bloody do-gooders.

Why we have to make donations to people who are leaving the company I have no idea. They’re not going to be leaving for less money are they? They should be chipping in for us poor souls that are left behind. It is about time Hallmark brought out the, “Sorry I’m leaving you in the trenches” card.

There have been four, yes, four people leave here in the last month. Two to go back to Australia, and one to start his own business. This has cost me £40. I can’t even pretend to put money towards their leaving presents as the card (and the ‘collection’) is walked around the office and the collector just stands in front of me whilst I sign the card.

“So, er, how much have people been giving?” I ask reluctantly, somewhat dreading the answer.

“What do you mean?”

“You know, for his leaving collection.”

“Oh, it varies, but obviously the more you can give the better.”

The emphasis was very much on the ‘you’. Having an office does have it’s downside you see.  Even deciding to put paper money in rather than spare change means it’s a tenner minimum, as a Fiver would look tight, and there’s no fucking way I’m giving them £20. He’s only been here six months.

Then there’s my ‘friends’.

Four of which have decided to undertake ‘charity’ fund-raising events in the last month. Just how many people can do the Great North Run? Last year it was just the one, this year it’s three, plus another one who did a rally across Europe in an old banger, again for ‘charity’.

Each of each of these friends is obviously using the Internet in the manner for which it was designed, extorting money from people. This takes the form of an online donation, where you can see what all of your over-generous affection-buying friends have given. The pressure of conforming and matching the bigger donations is immense, so once again, everyone gets £20. This is because you don’t get enough room in the comments on Justgiving.com to write, “I know it’s only a fiver, but you’re the fourth person I’m sponsoring in this event, and I give to charity already, plus four people have left work this month, so I’m a bit short like. I’ll give more next year. Probably.”

So it’s a case of, bang, there goes another £80.

In total, this month I have given away £120. This is in addition to a couple of small charity Direct Debits I have anyway (but don’t like to talk about).

Do I feel better as a result of all this generosity? No. I actually feel a little nauseous. Do you know how many lap dances that would buy?

So from now on it’s five pounds maximum for anyone and everyone who wants anything from me, irrespective of how deserving the recipient is. My family will no doubt be delighted Christmas morning this year.

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