Just in case Tuesdays post hadn’t made it clear how shitty the hotel was, I wanted to share this little story on how they treat their prisoners paying guests.

At 1:45am on Friday morning, my colleague and I decided to call it a night. Birminghams Broad street had provided more than enough entertainment, and I was frankly as entertained as a newt. So I was reasonably confident of now being able to fall sleep in my sparse room.

“I’d like the key to room 423 please,” I requested politely whilst failing to enunciate properly.

“Certainly Sir”, responded the man who’s badge read ‘Night Shift Manager’, “I’ll just fetch it for you.”

My colleague wandered to bed in zig zag fashion as he’d taken his key out with him, and we agreed to reconvene in just over five hours for breakfast.

“Here you are Sir”, said the Night Shift Manager, “but first I need to take payment for the room.”

“Excuse me?”

“I need to take payment for the room.”

“You swiped my card when I checked in, and I’ll pay when I check out, just like at every other hotel on the planet.”

“You can’t reserve an amount using Maestro you see, it has to be a credit card, they should have swiped a credit card when you checked in, so I need to take payment from you now.”

“I don’t have a credit card on me, and I’m not paying you at 1:45 in the morning. I want to look at my bill when I can focus both of my eyes at the same time, and I’m not so completely and utterly entertained.”

“I really need you to pay for the room now Sir.”

“You want me to get in the lift, go to my room, get my wallet, get back in the lift, come back here and pay you, then get back in the lift and go back to my room?”

“Yes please Sir.”

“At 1:45 in the morning?”

“Yes Sir.”

“That is not, in any way shape or form, going to happen. Do you understand? Let me tell you what is going to happen. You are going to give me that key. I am going to get in the lift and go to my room. I am going to drink about four litres of water, and get into bed, probably still in my clothes. You will go back to doing whatever it was you were doing before I rang that bell. Then, in the morning, and after I’ve had my breakfast, I will come back here, checkout and pay my bill. You and I will then pretend like this little conversation never happened. Capiche?”

“Err, OK then Sir.”

Clearly my negotiation skills are improving.

OK, I didn’t say ‘Capiche’, but I’ve always wanted to end a conversation that way, and I am excellent at coming up with great lines after the event. I considered phoning down at 1:55am just to say ‘Capiche’, but it just wouldn’t be the same out of context, and my alcohol induced drawl would probably have lead to a room service order for a bowl of cabbage.

No tags