And this coveted award goes to, The Brittania Hotel on New Street in Birmingham.

It is a God-awful septic boil on the anus of Central England. That is what it should say on the website, not the completely fictitious bollocks that was clearly written by someone who has never been within 10 miles of the hotel, never mind stayed there.

The Britannia Hotel is a smart hotel with a superb location in the heart of Birmingham city centre. It nestles amongst the designer shops, major stores, shopping centres and jewellery markets and is the ideal base from which to explore one of the UK’s most popular cities.

It is hardly an ‘ideal base’ if you’re a homeless illegal immigrant, never mind a serious business person (like what I am). As for ’smart’, well, I guess it’s all comparative, so the website author must have spent his adult life living in ditches or they were raised by travelling pikeys.

The Britannia has over 195 traditionally decorated en suite bedrooms that provide its guests with comfort and value for money. Each room includes a direct dial telephone, trouser press, hairdryer, colour television, complimentary tray and much more besides. The rooms are spacious and comfortable and are suitable for both business and leisure guests.

Traditionally decorated? Hmm. In some parts of the world smearing yourself in the blood of a recently slaughtered animal is considered traditional, so I suppose the most sparsely furnished, worn out room I’ve ever stayed in should not be too surprising.

It was not comfortable. At all. In fact, I think I’d have had a better nights sleep had I spent it at her Majesty’s pleasure.

The television was one of the first ever flat-screen models. The ones that didn’t actually have a flat screen, just a glass screen in front of the normal screen to give the impression of a proper flat screen. Oh, and it was only 20 inches. Who in their right mind watches a 20 inch TV nowadays?

As with all Britannia hotels it goes without saying that the business service is professional and supported by years of experience with the well-equipped facilities and internet access.

Obviously, when they write “supported by years of experience” they are referring to the two hundred and eleven year old person in charge of the wireless Internet service. Which only worked if you sat within 15 feet of the bar, and was not available in any of the 195 cells bedrooms.

A crappy hotel, staffed by staggeringly inept morons from top to bottom.

Yes, I enjoyed my few days away from the office.

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