Repondé s’il vous plaít – or whatever it means in French. This is basically a statement by which you must confirm by return post whether you will be attending a particular event, or not, as the case may be.

This is a complete and utter waste of my time.

If I’m not coming, I won’t be there. You will be able to tell I am not attending the function by my lack of presence.

If I am coming, then I’ll tell you. An RSVP rarely arrives without prior warning. Someone will mention they are getting married or having a party and they’ll say,

“Can you come Angry?”

“Yes, thanks, I’ll see you there”

“Excellent, if you could just send the RSVP to us to confirm that would be great”

“Confirm? Don’t you believe me?”

“No, it’s just we need to keep track.”

“Look, I’m coming, I’ll see you there. There’s no need to waste a stamp. People are dying in the world, so don’t be so wasteful of the Earth’s, and the Post Offices, precious resources.”

“But it’s tradition, you have to.”

“That is complete bollocks and you know it.”

And so it goes on. This is why so many people are surprised when I turn up at their parties. To be fair though, the caterers are generally quite good at squeezing me onto a table.

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