Hello everyone!!!
My name is Amy, and I am a friend of Mr Angry. Well, more of an acquaintance I guess, but we’re close enough that he has let me borrow his copy of the Internet for a couple of days whilst he is away schmoozing with clients at some conference or another. Just so I can tell you my tale of woe and despair. He is nice like that.
My story begins with one of my best friends having a baby (legitimate), and my subsequent promotion to the rank of God Mother. I am not able to grant wishes like God Mothers of the Fairy variety, so I decided on the second best gift for my new God Daughter, that of cold hard cash. Those Two Kings knew nothing with their Frankincense and Myrrh. Baby Jesus wanted the Gold.
After surfing the Internet for a while, and consulting Money Saving Expert (he is very clever), it transpired that the Halifax had the best rate of interest for children’s savings accounts. They are my bank, so this made me happy.
This excellent rate of interest meant I would not not only be generous, but I would also be a financially savvy God Mother!
I went to the Halifax homepage and followed the appropriate, easy-to-find links to open an account on-line. After several clicks and entering quite a few personal details (5′7″, blue eyes, brunette, if you’re interested), I was informed that I would need to phone them.
This is struck me as somewhat strange for an on-line application process.
I duly picked up the phone and dialled the appropriate number. A call centre operative (as I believe telephone monkeys like to be called) answered the phone and very pleasantly took the details from me that I had already spent 10 minutes entering into the Internet (I type slowly).
A reasonable enquiry as to why I had to duplicate information got me nothing but awkward silence. I assumed I was ‘off script’ at this point, so I let it lie.
The call centre operative continued, “I have opened the account for you and you will receive notification within 5 working days. Once you receive the notification, all you have to do is fill in and sign the forms, go into your nearest branch and verify yourself.”
Once again, I note the distinct lack of ‘on-line’ activity in opening this on-line account.
“I’m sorry, verify myself?” I enquired.
“Yes ma’am, you have to provide some documentation to prove you are who you say you are, and provide a utility bill to verify your address.”
“Why do I have to do this exactly?”
“Oh, it’s for anti-money laundering purposes.”
“But I have a mortgage with you. So you know who I am and where I live. In fact, you lent me the money to buy the house you want me to prove I live in. You send me regular statements, to that address, detailing the mortgage payments I have made and monies owing to date.”
“I’m sorry but you have to verify yourself in person. Whoever verified you last time didn’t update the computer system so we have no record of it.”
“So let me get this straight, I have a mortgage with you for the property at which I live, and I still have to take in a utility bill to prove my name and address, and my passport or driving licence?”
“Yes, that’s correct.”
Sensing my line of questioning was going nowhere fast I thanked her and hung up, silently fuming that I actually had to go into a branch of a bank, something I haven’t had to do for several years, thanks to the Halifax’s slick not-very-online on-line account opening service.
A few days later, after receiving the documentation I was breathlessly awaiting, I found a morning where I could “work from home” and do all my errands, top of the list being a visit to ‘verify’ myself at the Halifax. Now, I purposely chose a mid-morning time to go into the Bank, thereby avoiding the lunch time queue of nutters and piss-smelling oldies. I parked my car around the corner from the branch, and made my way inside. How long could it possibly take to hand over a few forms I had already filled in, and show my passport…?
(Concluded tomorrow…)
No tags
Equine Pimp · September 21, 2006 at 11:19 am
Hello Amy. Angry doesn’t seem the type to be that close to anyone that he is willing to share his site. You must be very special.
I work for a bank – you are just scratching the surface and you are experiencing the jobsworth world of minions. If you think it can’t get worse, try taking 6 bags of change to a cashier instead of 5.
It’s the banking version of going to a basket only till with 8 items in a trolley.
Dr J · September 21, 2006 at 12:10 pm
Hello Amy.
What EP said.
Also I’m sensing this will end in tears, yours most likely, theirs I’m hoping. We’ve just bought a new house and had a Partner retire from the surgery within the past 3 months. This has meant a new mortgage (Proof of ID required), change of Practice bank account (PoIDR), appointment of a solicitor to draft our new practice agreement (Yep, you guessed it) and at least two ther finance rlated steps I forget with the same requirements. Given that we have not changed our mortgage lender, the practice bank or our names, dates of birth or genders in the past umpteen years, quite why remains a mystery.
For a while I was left wondering if I would ever see my passport again. It has now travelled more miles than I have by a comfortable margin. Still at least we can all sleep safe in our beds. After all it’s well known that Mafia types and Terrorists are incapable of generating credible fake ID isn’t it?
Keep up the good work BTW. Angry has been going decidedly soft of late, even talking like an (admittedly potty mouthed) three year old. Well done for elevating the tone.
Dr Clip · September 21, 2006 at 12:14 pm
Just for a laugh once I went down a line of questioning how they calculated interest on a loan, despite numerous calls to colleagues, they couldnt tell me. Wankers!
And offshoring. Dont start me…… After a conversion with Ranjeet over a lost card, he helpfully sent me a “solo” card instead of my normal, ahem, gold card. Solo, what the fuck is that, and just before Christmas, it wouldnt even let me buy gift wrap from Clintons. Wankers.
Author comment by Amy · September 21, 2006 at 12:49 pm
EP – I am very special, not in a window licker way though…The retail banking industry in this country is stuck in the last century. Three days to transfer money from one account to another. If you do it in Australia it’s the same day. All so the wankers can make money out of either the interest or the fee for instant transfer. Livid.
Dr J – You have my sympathy. And yes, it’s a good job organised crime gangs haven’t managed to produce credible fake id yet. Mind you, they don’t need to. You read about that bloke that got on a plane the other day with his three year old daughter’s passport? WTF…
Dr Clip – Here here. Why only the other day I was explaining to Ranjeet the error of his ways. “I beg to differ, but a Bankers Draft is NOT the same as a cheque.” You can guess where that got me.
Oli · September 21, 2006 at 1:35 pm
“5′7″, blue eyes, brunette” = rawr
But yeah anyway, glad your not a southerner and I have to agree that Mr A’s posts have been less than livid over the past week.
Try the yorkshire bank, they too have very poor online banking but i think they will give you a better interest rate!
Oli · September 21, 2006 at 1:38 pm
PS. was it you that broke the site this morning? =O
lloyd · September 21, 2006 at 2:19 pm
‘Just a couple of security questions’
‘Please can you confirm how much you spent in Tescos on Tues 5th Sept’
‘I’m not sure’
‘Mmm. Okay, please can confirm how much you spent in Liquid night club on Sat 9th Sept’
‘I don’t have a f**kg clue’
‘Sorry, we are unable to gain access to your account without this information’
WHAT
Author comment by Amy · September 21, 2006 at 2:20 pm
Oli – I tried to change the graphics to flowers and kittens, but apparently Angry has ways of stopping me from doing that
Equine Pimp · September 21, 2006 at 2:55 pm
Just by chance I have just received the new forms for face to face and non-face to face customer identification records (yes I do realise how exciting this makes my life sound).
You need one from list 1 and 1 from list 2, there is an impersonation check and it must include the Account opener and four eye checker details (no idea what this is)
Some questions arose as a result
Is an instrument of a court appearance when you take a guitar with you? Apparently a Switzerland national identity card is good. Any clues on why just Switzerland? Does the impersonation have to be of John Culshaw standard or will a feeble Tommy Cooper attempt be good enough?
Author comment by Amy · September 21, 2006 at 2:56 pm
Lloyd – wait until tomorrow. You haven’t heard anything yet!
Dr Clip · September 21, 2006 at 4:18 pm
oh yeah – this was the best…..
LLoyds Bank (cunts):”For security reasons, please tell me when you received you last statement”
Me: “Hmmmmm, about a month ago?”
LLoyds Bank (cunts):”Wrong, we sent you one last week, security failed”
Me: Yeah, but I havent received it, so how could I possibly know you have sent it?
LLoyds Bank (cunts):”But here it is saying it has been sent, so unfortunately you have failed the test”
Me: (sigh) yeah, you may have sent it, but I have not got it, so unless you call every customer saying their statement is on its way, I have no way of knowing you have sent it”
LIVID!
Basically the bank are cunts and sometimes I wonder if I may have more money if I kept it under my mattress.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · September 21, 2006 at 7:26 pm
Amy – Will you please stop giving these people such full and personal responses, they will expect it from me.
I am writing this on a mans laptop in the hotel bar, I asked to borrow it to check the train times. I am so cunning!
lloyd · September 21, 2006 at 8:16 pm
Dr clip it was cunting LLOYDS TSB who asked me those cunting security questions. How the hell am I meant to get into my account when I stopped my cunting statements. CUNTS
Amy I’m usually more polite please dont ban me for obscene language
Amy · September 21, 2006 at 9:03 pm
Angry – I’m in charge until you get back tomorrow night. Just think yourself lucky I haven’t made any unwanted additions to the site.
Lloyd – apparently you can say cunt as many times as you like here!
Dr Clip – mine beats that…
Scott · September 22, 2006 at 12:17 am
I’ve rarely seen cunt written so many times in one comments box – seems you hit a nerve Amy.
Just to do my bit, HSBC (I hope that c stands for cunts but doubt it) stopped my credit card just after last xmas, cancelled my overdraft with no warning, and then started slapping on daily interest knowing full well I had nothing to pay them off with because they’d bloody stopped it all. I wouldn’t mind if I was in really deep shit financially but it was a measly couple of grand… for a student thats not bad.
I blew the last tenner I had on a pizza and decided to worry about it all the next day, thats when I had to get through the ID stage without owning a driving licence or passport, and with all the utilities in my flatmate’s name… a joyous experience… the cunts!!
Anyway, now I’ve got that off my chest, why are there so many ladies up North called Amy? Seems to be tons of the buggers!
jezebelsriot · September 22, 2006 at 2:58 pm
Seems you’ve met your enemy. I just posted all of the things that annoyed me about financial customers.
http://jezebelsriot.blogspot.com/2006/09/some-things-ive-learned-in-customer.html
Enjoyed the rant. Looks we’re all pretty damn frustrated.
Alan · September 26, 2006 at 8:59 am
I have had similar problems with the Halifax useless call monkeys. I don’t bank with them any more. I had in total 8 accounts spanning all the business sectors (current and savings account, mortgage, credit card, insurance, shares) and they are all gone but the savings account – which I keep 1 quid in, as it costs them more to keep the account open every year than there is in it.
I wrote them a letter a few years ago, warning them of this. They did not reply to my satisfaction.
Alan · September 26, 2006 at 9:01 am
Oh, and nationwide aren’t much better.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · September 26, 2006 at 9:30 am
Scott – My apologies for Amy’s foul language. You can take a girl out of the north…
Jezebel – you are clearly over-qualified ro work for Amy’s bank…
Alan – Hello, perhaps someone could come on here and give us a postive Halifax story? Perhaps?…
Shaheen Rasool · January 19, 2007 at 1:05 pm
I want to open an account
Kindly let me know the procedure