All,

I am disappearing for a few days due to some Very Import Work I am currently involved in. In my absence, I would like you to welcome my good friend Amy. Say Hello Amy. She is from the North, quite funny and she drinks a lot, so she will fit right in here.

She told me of a recent experience of hers* which she is going to share with you over the next couple of days, I am quite sure you will like it. When she told me over the phone I spat tea out of my nose. The bitch.

If they have got the Internet outside of Greater London I may pop in over the next few days, but if it is like I imagine it to be north of the Midlands (a bit like the island in Lost, but with less sunshine and hot chicks in vests), then Amy will be your only host.

* Greavsie, BoT, Oli, banana and other pervs, she is not a sex-blogger, she is going to tell you about proper, real life problems.

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I am fast becoming good enough at Do It Yourself (DIY to those of us ‘in the know’) to be considered an Absolute Novice. I think with a little more practise I may graduate to Beginner.

This week I have attempted to put up a mirror. A very big, very heavy mirror. In a very big and very heavy brushed steel frame. This meant drilling and securing proper brackets to the wall before hanging it.

I felt as confident in undertaking this task as I would disarming a nuclear weapon. Despite how easy Tom Cruise makes it look.

For my first mirror-hanging exercise, I even bought a power drill. This is a great experience for any man.

Whilst at the DIY superstore, I carefully considered the assorted power tools before me and then proceed to pick the one I felt most comfortable performing the “quick-draw” with. You never know when you’ll get challenged to a drill-duel, probably at dawn. Well, I am now very well prepared for this eventuality, more so than most of you reading this, I’ll bet. It also drills holes of assorted size into walls and other stuff.

In a classic extension sell on the part of the DIY giant, I was then coerced (by a very persuasive, very bright, and very shiny inanimate sign) into buying an additional assortment of drill-bits, 24 to be precise. 24 is a lot of bits. I think.

OK, in my Absolute Novice opinion, 24 sounds like a lot of bits.

So, armed with a new quick-draw-friendly power tool, a selection of 24 drill bits of assorted sizes, and a steely determination, can someone explain to me how I cannot find a drill bit of the correct size for the raw-plug needed for my new mirrors industrial strength brackets?

This is why someone needs to invent super strength cello-tape.

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