The day before I went on my recent golf holiday I went to the local driving range for one last practise session, the one that would ensure I broke 70 for the first time whilst on tour. The automated machine said £3.50 for the 50 balls that I wanted to hit, or £4.50 for 75 that I didn’t want to hit. For some reason my membership card only had £2.50 on it.

“I’d like to add some money to my card please.” I said to the manager of the driving range facility.

“Sure, that’ll be £10.”

“I’d just like to add enough to make it up to £10.50, thanks, so just the £8 will do.”

“It only comes in £10 increments.”

“That doesn’t make sense, why would you sell it in increments that bear no relation to my use of the card?”

“You don’t need to use it all at once.”

“That’s not the point, the point is I’m always going to have some money left on the card, which I don’t want. I want to be able to get it down to zero.”

“That’s fine. You don’t need to use it all at once.”

“Are you even listening to me? I know I don’t need to use it at once. I just want enough so that when I’ve used all of my £3.50 increments, there is no money on my card. If I keep adding £10, and only use £3.50 at a time, at my current usage rate, I can never, ever, for all of eternity, get that card down to zero. It is basic mathematics. Do you understand?”

He looked at me as if my last point had been made in some indecipherable language like Flemish or Geordie. He then forced a smile onto his face and continued.

“No problem, you just have to buy it in £10 increments.”

“You are a little bit mental aren’t you?”

“It’s £10.”

“Fuck off.”

So, my question is, does anybody want to buy a Golf Club driving range card with £2.50 on it?

And no, I didn’t break 70, and yes, it’s all his fucking fault.

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