After getting horrendously drunk on the second night of my holiday, I awoke to find my pockets completely empty, and no memory of how they got that way.  I had managed to spend all of the cash I had taken out of the ATM, and had somehow managed to lose my bankcard as well.

This meant I was cashless for at least a few days, perhaps longer if I couldn’t find a bank that would let me withdraw some money. Luckily, one of the lads I was with carries a lot of cash with him (he’s a professional gambler, not something particularly sordid like you are all immediately thinking), and he offered to lend me 500 Euro’s until my problem resolved itself.

So that’s what he did. He lent me 500 Euro’s.

In a single note.

For the sake of clarity I think it’s worth pointing out that we’re talking about a single bank note worth £350 here. Have you ever tried to spend a £50 note? Well, try multiplying those problems by 7. Literally.

The first people to reject me were the hotel. They had already changed one that day, and didn’t have enough cash in their float.

The second set of people to refuse me were at the restaurant round the corner when I tried to pay a 70 Euro bill with it that night.

The third and fourth people to refuse me were actual high street banks, though they helpfully told me I needed to go to one bank in particular in order to get it changed, but I should hurry as it shuts at 4pm. I think you can guess how that little dash around Lisbon city centre ended. Yes, with me, sweating profusely, and still having a 500 Euro note in my pocket, at 4:05pm.

I was beginning to believe that there were only three or four of these notes in existence as my increasingly futile attempts to spend it were generally met with howls of derision.

After two days of borrowing ten Euro’s here, and twenty Euro’s there, I eventually changed it into smaller denominations at the hotel when they finally had enough cash.

So, I would therefore like to say a big thank you to the fuckwits in Brussels who thought it would be a good idea to have 500 Euro notes. I would honestly have had an easier time trying to make purchases using Doubloons or Groats.

Having said all of that, when I pay my friend back this week, I will of course do so with a 500 Euro note.

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