I’ve always believed you shouldn’t tip for the sake of tipping, and I’ve always been one to point out particularly bad service where a ‘discretionary’ tip has been added to my bill. The cheeky overcharging fuckers. I must point out though that this does not mean I am tight, far from it. I just hate it when a tip becomes so expected that the service no longer warrants it.

I was hoping mainland Europe would provide a haven from this culture of expected tipping. I was proven wrong within minutes.

After reaching our hotel in Lisbon I simply wanted to go to the room and shower. I’d been travelling since 5am and just wanted to lie on the bed and check out how long I could watch the porn for before being charged for it. Unfortunately, I was told to wait for porter who would take me to my room. Despite my protests, I was told to wait.

I waited in reception for 5 minutes whilst the porter made his way to meet me. He then took me to the lift where we then made a 50 yard journey to the room. He opened the door and took in my bag, and turned to face me.

I faced him and looked at him blankly.

He strode to the windows and pulled back the curtains making a sweeping gesture at the views of Lisbon. Once again we stared at each other.

He then opened the wardrobe and pointed out the ironing facilities. Then we stared at each other some more. He then helpfully demonstrated the safe, in Portuguese.

It was becoming a test of wills to see who would talk first. It was quite a stand off as he stood there waiting for his tip, smiling. The pressure of being British can be very hard sometimes.

If only I knew the Portuguese for, “Are you kidding me? I wanted to carry my own bags. I am not an invalid, I can follow simple directions, I could have got here quite easily without your intervention, and I know how to work curtains, even the Portuguese ones.”

Unfortunately my Portuguese extends to asking for a beer, and I doubted this was a suitable argument to make at this time.

I’m very sad to say that I crumbled first, and gave the man 5 Euros as I hadn’t yet got any change. It dawned on me that I was tipping him for basically delaying my day by about 5 minutes.

He thanked me and left, and I chastised myself for being such a fucking pussy. Obre-fucking-gardo yourself pal.

What a great way to start the holiday.

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