“It’s me next innit, I know it’s you now, but I was deffo next after yous weren’t I?”
I look straight ahead and pretend I didn’t hear her. At this point, eye contact with the voice next to me could only bring me trouble.
“Don’t go looking at Girls Aloud over there, I know I was next innit.”
My peripheral vision informs me that she is massive, and I worry she might sit on me if I disagree, so I nod in agreement. She tugs my sleeve and repeats her demands. Twice. It is now extremely clear that she does not want me to let the pretty girls on my other side get served before she does.
“Make sure you point him at me when he gives you your change cos I’m next innit. I was next before those Girls Aloud wanna-be birds.”
Again I ignore her and focus directly ahead. I am slightly concerned that she might glass me.
“Thank mate.”
The barman gives me my change and I point at the enormous girl to my right. He wisely ignores my cue and serves the pretty girls to my left who do, in fact, look like they could be in Girls Aloud. I admire his bravery and his taste.
I move away quickly in case she wishes to exact swift fat-person revenge upon me for not directing the fearless barman strongly enough.
She might still be waiting for her drink for all I know.
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DC · August 29, 2006 at 7:44 am
So she was more Atomic Mutton than Girls Aloud then?
Rantig Dullard · August 29, 2006 at 8:05 am
Didnt the alcohol have the usual effect of making her look divine? Or just like divine then?
Banana · August 29, 2006 at 10:07 am
Rumour has it that Girls Aloud are a bunch of skinny camp boys in drag.
Shamash · August 29, 2006 at 10:29 am
Rumour has it that one of the Girls Aloud band actually once sang. Aged 8
BoyOnTop · August 29, 2006 at 11:49 am
Beer goggles wheren’t well enough fixed then, or where the girls aloud crowd only a girls aloud crowd in a beer induced comparrison?
TJ · August 29, 2006 at 12:13 pm
If girls aloud were good looking because of beer gogs, imagine how ugly, the munter was if she was still ugly in comparison.
annie · August 29, 2006 at 12:56 pm
You are all cads and bounders. My heart goes out to the fat girl.
Celeste · August 29, 2006 at 2:23 pm
Oh delightful. A fat chick who speaks like a reject from my Fair Lady. Superb.
And you walked away? Madness. You could’ve got your leg over – if of course you had those springer Inspector gadget legs….
Dido · August 29, 2006 at 2:29 pm
Meeooowwww Celeste!!
Grab a saucer of milk and sit in the corner and lick your paws!
Celeste · August 29, 2006 at 3:27 pm
Ha ha ha ha – yes it was rather harsh but if she was anything like the woman who I encountered on Saturday night she deserves it. I’ve seen it and i can’t unsee it!
Admin comment by Mr Angry · August 29, 2006 at 7:27 pm
Hello everybody – I have been neglectful of my blogging duties today.
I did have sort of beeer goggles by this point, probably what you’d call beer bi-focals I guess. By which I mean if you concentrate, bow your head slightly, and look straight at her, she still looked fat and minging.
I am all better now as well. Thank you all for your get well wishes.
Ldbug · August 29, 2006 at 9:16 pm
Damn, posted my comment on the wrong post, sigh…hungover and tired at work will do that to one.
Anyway, the comment was supposed to be here: you have the large lady problem, I have gross men trying to talk/hit on/other to me while at the bar, I ignore, ignore, ignore, and make very good friends with the bartender who usually runs them off ‘cos the second you give them eye contact, it’s allllll over