“It’s me next innit, I know it’s you now, but I was deffo next after yous weren’t I?”

I look straight ahead and pretend I didn’t hear her. At this point, eye contact with the voice next to me could only bring me trouble.

“Don’t go looking at Girls Aloud over there, I know I was next innit.”

My peripheral vision informs me that she is massive, and I worry she might sit on me if I disagree, so I nod in agreement. She tugs my sleeve and repeats her demands. Twice. It is now extremely clear that she does not want me to let the pretty girls on my other side get served before she does.

“Make sure you point him at me when he gives you your change cos I’m next innit. I was next before those Girls Aloud wanna-be birds.”

Again I ignore her and focus directly ahead. I am slightly concerned that she might glass me.

“Thank mate.”

The barman gives me my change and I point at the enormous girl to my right. He wisely ignores my cue and serves the pretty girls to my left who do, in fact, look like they could be in Girls Aloud. I admire his bravery and his taste.

I move away quickly in case she wishes to exact swift fat-person revenge upon me for not directing the fearless barman strongly enough.

She might still be waiting for her drink for all I know.

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