We are different from the animals of our planet in many many ways. We have opposable thumbs, indulge in sex for pleasure, and we can drive a car. All of these are ways in which evolution has been kind to us.
Also, when I see stray dogs rummaging around in bins for something to eat I consider myself lucky that, as a discernible human being, I won’t, eat anything and everything I can see. Unlike the dogs that would literally eat the shit off your shoes.
Then I look at some of the weird shit we do eat, and I realise I am completely and utterly wrong. We are the rulers of the animal kingdom, yet, when it comes to eating weird shit, we are way ahead of the animals.
Animals eat whatever is convenient and requires the least effort. That way they can spend the rest of the time sleeping and cleaning their testicles with their tongues. If we simply ate what was convenient, we would all live on McDonalds or Aunt Bessy’s Yorkshire pudding meals. But we don’t do that. Well, not since leaving University. Oh no. We are different. We actively seek out eating ‘experiences’, and this has led us to eat really weird shit like scorpions, frogs and sweetcorn.
There is literally nothing on this planet that a human has not eaten at least once. Nothing. Try and think of something, anything, and I bet some fucking retard at least licked it. If it was poisonous it probably killed them, so they won’t be able to prove my theory, but trust me, they will still have tried it.
Even things we take for granted, like milk, come from really strange places if you try and imagine the first person ever to have tried it.
“I’m going to squeeze that fucking massive black and white dog, and drink whatever comes out of it. I’m that fucking mental!”
Who dug up the first carrot and decided to try it?
“You’re not going to eat that are you?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Because you just dug it up from the fucking GROUND, and it looks like a snowman’s nose. Eurgh…”
So, from this point forward my experimental days are over. If you can’t buy it in Sainsbury’s I ain’t eating it.
No tags
Davo · August 25, 2006 at 9:01 am
“There is literally nothing on this planet that a human has not eaten at least once. Nothing.”
Agreed. Except I go further. In the fullness of history, there is no humanly possible act, however unlikely or unpleasant, that won’t have been tried, at least once, and put on YouTube.
Celeste · August 25, 2006 at 9:12 am
I agree with this post entirely. I mean mushrooms! Glorified mold and freaks eat them. *shiver*
Rantig Dullard · August 25, 2006 at 9:14 am
Well, try tucking into a meal in China.
Raw deer placenta
or maybe
Bulls penis?
Deep fried scorpions?
Soup with intestinal tract floating in it?
That is a not untypical meal at a hotel in Beijing. The tourists at the olympics are going to suffer!!!
Rantig Dullard · August 25, 2006 at 9:21 am
By the way, some git has ‘transcribed’ your posts onto his blog…..WORD FOR WORD
his name is mr mojo
He has taken your bee rant and even some of my inane pap.
Dr Clip · August 25, 2006 at 9:40 am
My old dog used to do a poo in the garden and then eat it whilst it was still steaming hot.
For my birthday my brother bought me some “weasel” coffee. A brazilian weasel (stop thinking that now you animal loving shaving fetish sicko) walks round the coffee fields eating the most tasty beans he can find, and then he pukes them up into a nice pile.
A young orphan picks up the sick, grinds the beans between his sisters thighs* and then packs them off to be sold on to rich idiots for £25 for a very small bag.
Angry, you do have a very good point. However, I didnt die (like my dog) by pooing, vomiting, falling on my face and twisting my neck until it broke, it always puzzled me in which order this would have happened.
This is going a little off topic now. But if your dog died on the saturday of a bank holiday weekend, your are 19, and your parents away, what do you do? I decided to put mine in a bin bag down the end of the garden in the blazing heat and leave it until the following Tuesday. Smelly.
*I made this bit up about the girls thighs, but the rest is true.
Also, my dog ate glass decorations from the Christmas tree, I have not tried this, yet.
Banana · August 25, 2006 at 10:07 am
Are there stray dogs where you live? oh dear…
Murphy · August 25, 2006 at 10:22 am
Speaking as a Labrador Cross, I’ve always had a certain affinity with you Mr Angry Cross. But I do think you’re in denial because you lack the facility to lick your own testicles.
You can’t beat a first course of cat poo before dinner but I wouldn’t give you Wayne Rooney’s autobiography for a mushroom.
Woof and indeed woof.
TJ · August 25, 2006 at 10:45 am
Do you really think that someone out there has eaten belly button fluff?
Davo · August 25, 2006 at 10:49 am
TJ – given there is televisual record of a man eating a pizza topped with his friends pubic hair, do you even doubt it for a second?
Admin comment by Mr Angry · August 25, 2006 at 10:51 am
Davo – Absolutely, YouTube has the entire planet on it now.
Celeste – some mushrooms are OK
Dr Clip – You’re sure your dog wasn’t actually a really hairy student?
Murphy – If I could lick my own testicles you’d be reading an empty blog.
TJ – I have. Twice.
Celeste · August 25, 2006 at 11:27 am
Yes that one out of Super Mario Bros was good. He gave you a 1 up…
TJ · August 25, 2006 at 11:47 am
I’m obviously watching the wrong channels!
Mr A – Just to clarify, your own or someone elses? not that that makes it any more right. Just morbid curosity I guess!
Scott · August 25, 2006 at 1:47 pm
A very wise plan Mr A, although I’m with Celeste on the mushroom front… pure evil.
Careful though, there are people who take unadventurous too far. My flatmate refuses point blank to visit anywhere that won’t knock him up a plate of chips, and does slightly weird stuff like has pizza with “none of that tomato base shit” (chefs term)
Celeste · August 25, 2006 at 1:57 pm
On a slight tangent but not really people who call themselves vegetarians but eat fish really piss me off (see it’s food related)
Ken · August 25, 2006 at 2:12 pm
All mushrooms are edible. However, not all are edible *twice*.
Michael Mittermeier, a German comedian (yes, there really are), once said that if men *could* lick there nethers, then of course they *would*.
Do any of you friends complain of serious back ache?
Geena · August 25, 2006 at 4:14 pm
And what about those 2 freaks in Germany who chopped off one penis, cooked it up and ate it? Then the other one ate the penisless wonder. Now THAT is truly bizarre. Ugh.
*feels ill*
lloyd · August 25, 2006 at 4:18 pm
whoever dug up the first carrot must have been mental, they used to be purple
Rantig Dullard · August 25, 2006 at 4:32 pm
Wheres my comments gone??
Never mind.
Never go to china if you dont like foreign muck.
raw deer placenta
Thousand year egg.
Deep fried scorpions.
f:lux · August 25, 2006 at 6:14 pm
Hello.
Is this an extraordinary outbreak of bloggy meme activity or a case of creative regurgitation? At least I cited Calvin and Hobbes as the origin of the interesting cow milk observation.
Yours disappointedly, f:lux
Admin comment by Mr Angry · August 25, 2006 at 7:34 pm
Scott – I had an ex who had very bland food tastes… rubbish
Celeste – eating stupid animals is perfectly OK
Ken – Bill Hicks made that joke the first time I heard it. “Ladies, if men could suck their own cocks you’d be sat in the audience on your own. Looking at an empty stage.” Brilliant.
Geena – Like I said, someone somewhere has tried it all…
Lloyd – orange/purple, it was still weird!
RD – You got eaten by my spam machine, but you’re all back now, sorry.
f:lux – Who are Calvin and Hobbes? I first heard that cow joke from a scottish comedian who commented how weird it was that someone playing with cows tits decided to drink what came out when they squeezed it. I think there are lots of people who’ve made the joke, most of them better than me! (see Bill Hicks reference above for another example of regurgitated jokes. It is big and it is clever)
Banana – the only stray dogs are usually visiting from Slough.
the girl underway · August 25, 2006 at 8:09 pm
http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/cat_steve_dont_eat_it.php
f:lux · August 25, 2006 at 9:04 pm
Does the rounds then! Memes are really very interesting things. Calvin & Hobbes are classic for tangential observations on stuff though.
http://www.gocomics.com/calvinandhobbes/
I do really enjoy your take on things too, Mr A
Admin comment by Mr Angry · August 26, 2006 at 1:10 am
girl underway – Hello. That is possibly the best link anyone has ever left on here. And I’m including all the penis enlargement ones when I say that.
f:lux – aha, so that is Calvin & Hobbes. I assume they are funnier on other days?
Sooz · August 26, 2006 at 4:44 am
But Sainsbury’s does some nasty stuff – like errr rabbit and… fish roe and…. other-stuff-which-I-can’t-even-look at! Gutsy bits. Nasty.
What’s that ridiculous dish which kills you if you eat the poisonous bits? Very expensive. Oriental. Puffer fish springs to mind but my mind isn’t very reliable often…
Monkey brains – who would eat those? Sheep eyes? Testicles? Those white sloppy things which I don’t recall the name of but they’re ‘innards’.
Tongues? Who on earth eats tongues???
I will never understand humans.
Dogs eat cat shit because of the protein in it – so they’re not as dumb or vile as one would think….
Four Dinners · August 26, 2006 at 11:41 pm
Your blog n Tideliars look like they’ve been written by a very small demented spider. All the others are ok – a couple a bit smaller maybe. Is it my pc or is it me? As I only drink lager and eat chips I probably qualify as a gastronomic retard. Least I can read the title. I’m going to have to take this thing in for repair again. Loch Ness here I come.
f:lux · August 29, 2006 at 1:34 pm
But of course, Mr Angry!
“Who was the first guy that looked at a cow and said,” I think that I’ll drink whatever comes out of those things when I squeeze them?””
My other fav Calvin & Hobbes quote is “Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won’t help.”
cheers!