We are different from the animals of our planet in many many ways. We have opposable thumbs, indulge in sex for pleasure, and we can drive a car. All of these are ways in which evolution has been kind to us.

Also, when I see stray dogs rummaging around in bins for something to eat I consider myself lucky that, as a discernible human being, I won’t, eat anything and everything I can see. Unlike the dogs that would literally eat the shit off your shoes.

Then I look at some of the weird shit we do eat, and I realise I am completely and utterly wrong. We are the rulers of the animal kingdom, yet, when it comes to eating weird shit, we are way ahead of the animals.

Animals eat whatever is convenient and requires the least effort. That way they can spend the rest of the time sleeping and cleaning their testicles with their tongues. If we simply ate what was convenient, we would all live on McDonalds or Aunt Bessy’s Yorkshire pudding meals. But we don’t do that. Well, not since leaving University. Oh no. We are different. We actively seek out eating ‘experiences’, and this has led us to eat really weird shit like scorpions, frogs and sweetcorn.

There is literally nothing on this planet that a human has not eaten at least once. Nothing. Try and think of something, anything, and I bet some fucking retard at least licked it. If it was poisonous it probably killed them, so they won’t be able to prove my theory, but trust me, they will still have tried it.

Even things we take for granted, like milk, come from really strange places if you try and imagine the first person ever to have tried it.

“I’m going to squeeze that fucking massive black and white dog, and drink whatever comes out of it. I’m that fucking mental!”

Who dug up the first carrot and decided to try it?

“You’re not going to eat that are you?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Because you just dug it up from the fucking GROUND, and it looks like a snowman’s nose. Eurgh…”

So, from this point forward my experimental days are over. If you can’t buy it in Sainsbury’s I ain’t eating it.

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