After three automated menus, approximately thirty thousand various numerical options, and about fifteen minutes, I finally got through to someone, a real live person, at the Vodafone helpdesk. After confirming my identity, I had the opportunity, at last, to explain my dilemma.

“Hi, I’m sure you’ve heard about the problems at Heathrow airport this past weekend, well my phone is locked in my hand luggage in a warehouse along with several thousand other bags, and I need to change my voicemail and check for any possible messages from any of my clients.”

“Certainly Sir, what you need to do is dial your number and press 9, you will then be prompted for your PIN number which will give you full access to your voicemail services from any phone”

“I tried that, I don’t have a PIN number set up.”

“That’s not a problem Sir, if you follow the prompts it will set one up for you, it literally takes a few seconds”

“I tried that as well, but do you know what happens then?”

“Excuse me Sir?”

“When I request a PIN number for remote access to my mobile phone, do you know what happens?”

“You get sent the PIN number?”

“Correct. It gets sent as a text message to your phone. Do you see why this is not an adequate solution for me?”

“Because you don’t have your phone?”

“Correct, it is currently sat with several thousand other bags at Heathrow. I need you to assign me a PIN number, so I can get into my messages, change my voicemail greeting and respond to any potentially important messages.”

“Right, could you bear with me for just a moment Sir?”

He then disappeared for a few minutes in search of a solution for me.

“Hello Sir? Hi. I’m afraid that what you are asking of me is impossible, I cannot do that from this system.”

“So those messages will stay out there in the ether until I get my phone back?”

“Correct Sir”

“What if I had lost my phone? Would those potentially critical messages then be lost forever?”

“Oh no Sir, in that case we would recommend getting a new SIM card, activated with your number, which would then allow you pick up any messages, either voice or text, that have been sent to that number since your other phone was switched off.”

Thinking ‘outside of the box’, wanky term that it is, can sometimes be helpful. It appears by paying Vodafone £5, they will issue you with a new SIM card, which gets you back into the world of mobile communication. Why the fuck he couldn’t just recommend that solution in the first place I do not know.

Though far from an ideal situation (I don’t have anyones number at the moment), I was able pick up a new SIM card, borrow a spare phone from a friend, and at last I could pick up my important messages. The really important ones. Which were from my Mum telling me to be careful, someone wanting to use my garage, and an invitation to go out for a beer three evenings ago. It is tough being a proper Captain of industry.

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