After creating a pillow-based border in the middle of the shared bed that even the Israelis would be proud of, we made it to the Pleasance Courtyard by about 9pm, where we began to soak up the atmosphere. We then soaked up a lot of alcohol, and saw a show, and then we soaked up a further ridiculous amount of alcohol. If I was going to be forced to spend the night in a bed with another man, I was not going to remain sober enough to have terrifying nightmares about it for the rest of my life. I believe the evening drew to a close at about 4:30am, probably.

The morning brought the mother of all hangovers, along with a mouth surrounded by half-eaten donner kebab and the dawning realisation we had no clothes or toiletries. Having slept in my clothes, my current outfit had been on my person for 24 hours now. I am lucky that my natural musk is such an attractive scent.

I went to reception to borrow their phone so I could get an update from British Airways on our imminently arriving luggage. The receptionist handed the phone over whilst holding her breath, clearly recognising the danger of losing control of herself should she get a lungful of my powerful man-pheromones.

“All our operators are busy, please call back later.” said the automated voice before hanging up on me.

I then borrowed the hotels hands-free phone so I could keep calling whilst sitting in reception.

“All our operators are busy, please call back later.”

I decided to read the papers. Four of them. Back to back. I now know all there is to know about Scottish football, which is quite a lot.

“All our operators are busy, please call back later.”

I learned something about myself that morning. I can read four newspaper in their entirety whilst simultaneously pressing a phones redial button, all in just one hour and twenty minutes.

“All our operators are busy, please call back later.”

It must be said that todays baggage tracking services are a miracle of modern technology. They can pinpoint your bags location anywhere on the planet at any moment in time, and tell you exactly where it has been, and for how long. When you speak to an airline, they can get all of this information at the click of mouse button.

But only if you can actually reach them to ask the fucking question. (more…)

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