“You do recognise that I am a perfectly normal heterosexual man?”

I’ll grant you, this is an unusual way to begin a conversation with someone you’ve never really met, but this was how I began with the receptionist at the Travel Lodge. Just moments before, I had entered the hotel bedroom to be confronted with a terrifying sight, and had returned immediately to the Reception desk.

“There seems to have been a mistake with the rooms” I continued, informing the somewhat stunned receptionist.

“Really? What’s the problem”, she enquired, switching from stunned to bored in an instant.

“Well, you see, I’m a heterosexual man. As is my room-mate, yet you’ve seen fit to give us a double bed of Lilliputian proportions to share for the weekend.”

“That’s a double room sir.” she smirked reminding my of Alan Partridges receptionist during his Norfolk hotel stay.

“We asked for a twin.”

“No you didn’t”

I then theatrically (and perfectly heterosexually) presented the paperwork, which confirmed the booking transaction undertaken by our Edinburgh-based friend. It showed, quite clearly, without any shadow of doubt, that he had, in fact, booked a double bedroom for me and my flatmate. Thoughts and images of violent revenge took a temporary backseat as I tried to make the best of the situation that now presented itself.

“Can you put us in a twin instead?” I pleaded in my best I-like-girls-not-boys voice.

“We’re fully booked I’m afraid.”

“But I’m a twenty-eleven year-old man. I can’t share a bed with another man. The people on the Internet might get to hear about it. Please?”

“I have nothing to offer you, I’m sorry.”

“Right. And I assume you can’t get us into another hotel?”

“On the second busiest weekend of the year? I doubt it Sir. Perhaps you could try ‘camping’” she sniggered.

“Hilarious. That’s really very good. Well done. Now I’ll have to punch you in the throat. Can I have as many pillows as you can find, and an extra duvet then?”

“Did you just say you’re going to punch me in the throat?!”

“No, I said I’ll probably have to hunch up in my coat, y’know, to keep warm? So, the duvet and pillows?”

“I’ll see what I can do Sir, if you would wait here just a few minutes.”

She returned to Reception a few minutes later with another duvet and two further pillows. This is how I managed to spend £110 a night to sleep on the floor of a Travel Lodge bedroom.

(continued tomorrow)

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