Sometimes I am grateful for a warning sign. Whether it be the motorist that flashes you as you approach a blind bend, letting you know that a policeman and speed camera await you round the corner, or a piece of A4 paper letting me know that the bench I have no intention of sitting on is covered in wet paint. These are all good things.

Then there are the signs that are a complete and utter waste of time. “Don’t put your fingers in the toaster”, “Do not imbibe the bleach” , and “No heavy petting in the deep-end” (chance would’ve been a fine thing). The absolute worst of all though, are those warning signs that are now forcibly added to packets of cigarettes.

“Smoking can harm your unborn baby”

“Smoking kills”

“Smoking causes cancer”

It’s not that I’m pro-smoking, far from it, the smoking ban can’t come quick enough for me. It’s just that I’m not sure that there is anybody out there that honestly doesn’t know and understand all these health facts by now?

“Hey pal, you shouldn’t smoke, it’s bad for you.”

“What are you on about you nutter?”

“It causes cancer and will probably kill you.”

“You’re fucking kidding me right?! Fucking hell! I’ve been feeling a bit chesty all year but I’d put it down to a lack of sleep. Why did no-one tell me this?! I thought they were macrobiotic!”

This is why I think these warnings need to be changed. Clearly people are either ignoring the warnings, because they think the odds are in their favour (and therefore the warnings won’t ever apply to them), or they aren’t helping to generate sufficient will-power for the attempting ‘quitter’. The possibility of bad health, deformed children or death isn’t a sufficient motivator any more.

For that reason I am proposing that the warnings should hit smokers where it hurts most. The ego. To do this, let’s start giving the warnings to the people who are with the smoker when they light up. I’d be very interested to see who would want to buy their 20 Marlboro Lights if they carried the following warnings emblazoned on the front:

“I am a stinky cunt”

“My breaths reeks of wet dog”

“I suffer from floppy cock”

“Our children will be retarded spastics”

“I have the sexual stamina of an asthmatic Sloth”

Do you think the cool kids would be queuing up to buy them then?

No tags