The sit down meal at a wedding can be a strange experience. Unlike a visit to a restaurant, you don’t get to choose who you sit with, and you don’t get to choose what you eat. If you’re lucky, then you end up sat with people you know and like, or if you not, you get sat with the incontinent Uncle and the Aunty with the spitting problem.

This time I was lucky, and the Ushers and their partners were put on a table with a few other University friends. I was pleased, as I knew I’d be able to drink like a fish without drawing any attention to myself.

When the bread rolls came round, we all eagerly tucked in as it had been several hours since our all-you-can-eat buffet breakfast. Unfortunately, one of the other ushers found a massive thick black hair in their roll. Not on it. In it. As in, it had been baked into the dough. I can imagine you cringing just thinking about it, much as I was at the time.

If this had happened to you, there would have been a number of options available to you, so what would you have done?

a) Realised it’s a wedding, and that you’re not paying for the meal, plus you don’t want the Bride and Groom to feel bad, so you discard the roll and say no more about it hoping no-one noticed your disgust.

b) Realised that although it’s a wedding, it’s your duty to bring this to the attention of the waiter in a subtle manner, both to get a replacement roll, and to ensure the kitchen are aware of the situation.

c) Reacted like a 5 year old child in showing the massive hair to everyone on the table, saying “Look at this fucking hair, it was IN my roll! Not on it, IN IT! How gross!” thus ensuring everyone on your table has to thoroughly inspect every morsel of food put in front of them for the next ninety minutes.

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