Being asked to be an usher at a friends wedding is an honour. Apparently.

It’s not a particularly difficult role, one in which you have no concerns over which shirt and tie combination is appropriate for the day, and it also ensures that you get first dibs on any single women at the wedding reception. These are all good things.

The duties themselves are pretty straight forward, and were given to me and the three other ushers about ten minutes before the ceremony started.

“Give everyone an Order of Service and get people seated, it doesn’t matter which side of the chruch they sit down in, but the first three rows are family only, OK?” said the Groom, both beginning and concluding our ushering lesson in one sentence.

Luckily for us, there was a volunteer Church Organiser overseeing the wedding logistics who told us she had plenty of experience of weddings (about 150 years worth judging by her appearance). She said would point us in the right direction if we went wrong at any point. After about fifteen seconds, it became clear she had been trained at the Nazi wedding school.

“You’re not escorting guests, you have to escort the guests to the seats!” she hissed pointedly in my direction, as I continued handing wedding flyers to arriving friends and family.

I sheepishly handed a flyer to the next couple with the words, “I’m afraid I have to walk you to your seats”.

“It’s OK, we’ll find somewhere to sit.” replied the man with a smile.

“No, you don’t understand. If I don’t walk you to your seat I may die.”

The three of us walked to the fourth row of pews in awkward silence, under her constant steely glare. As I returned to the front of the church she muttered at me without making eye-contact, “Better, just.”

Once back at the church entrance, I continued with my well-rehearsed wedding patter at the arriving guests, “Wedding flyers, wedding flyers, get your wedding flyers here!”

A little tip for any budding ushers out there, Brides arriving at the church do not like to hear their intricately and lovingly prepared Orders of Service being referred to as ‘wedding flyers’.

No tags