This month sees the release of the most fantastically named film of all-time. Samuel L Jacksons soon-to-be-classic, “Snakes on a plane”.

I think all films should be titled this way. It’s like buying a tin of Cuprinol, it does exactly what it says on the tin. Far too many times I have been to the cinema and thought, “That was a bit shit, I wish I’d known that before spending £8 and 2 hours on it”. I believe that more descriptive film titles would definitely help in this regard.

It is probably a ploy of film-makers who realise they have a shit product, “Let’s give it a catchy title and people will flock to the cinemas and local DVD retail outlets like the sheep they are!”. This must explain the cinematic turd that is “Wolf Creek”. A clue, there are no wolves in it.

Can you guess what Snakes On A Plane is about? Go on, guess. Samuel L Jackson agreed to be in this film before he even read the script or discussed his fee. “I read the title and knew I had to be in this movie”. Even without reading the script this was an informed choice, as let’s be honest, we pretty much know what’s going to happen in the film don’t we? If you don’t like snakes or planes, then don’t go and see the film. If you’re a snake-rearing amateur pilot, then this is the film for you.

Not all films are as helpfully titled though. Oh no.

Do you know what the film “Steel Magnolias” is about? No? Well, it’s not about large metalic flowering plants (a bit like small Triffids) that come to life and kill people, I’ll give you that much. If it had been called “Birds in a Beauty Parlour” I would not have bought the DVD. Unless they added the word ‘naked’ somewhere in the title.

It is not just relatively recent films that are guilty of these misleading naming conventions, even movies considered as classics can be misleading. Don’t you think that “Mohican Madman loses it” would be a better title for Taxi Driver?

I’ve retitled a few films I’ve seen recently, can you tell what they are? Or maybe suggest a few new titles of your own.

“Taxi ride with a contract killer”

“How to pull an chronic Amnesiac”

“Killing the missus whilst she tries to kill me”

“Left behind for the sharks”

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