Enjoying your job of work is something I think we should all aspire to. If you enjoy what you do for a living then your miserable home-life is of less consequence. Also, you’ll inevitably become better at it, and your days won’t drag like the night-of-a-thousand-years, like they tend to do in my role from time to time. From an employers perspective, the more satisfaction you get from your role, the harder you work. Which is a good thing for them.
Which is why many employers are coming up with innumerable ingenious ideas for making your working surroundings more pleasant, whilst trying to create a true sense of pride in what you do. Unfortunately, this is becoming more ridiculous by the day. The latest trend seems to be giving people job titles that bear no relation the job they do, and makes them seem more important than they actually are.
I saw a lady the other day with the title “Wrap Consultant” on her name badge. Any idea what she was doing at the time? No? She was giving out free sandwich samples at Tesco’s. In doing so, she’s managed to achieve something I’d previously thought of as impossible, in that she made me think even less of consultants.
The trains are a haven for this sort of thing. I’ve heard announcements asking for a “Refuse Operative please report to the buffet car”. It’s a cleaner. We all know it’s a cleaner. Do you think the Refuse Operative thinks they are anything other than a cleaner? Or maybe they applied for the role of Refuse Operative, and are genuinely surprised at the amount of cleaning that they have to do? Perhaps at appraisal time they’ll have the courage to ask for the opportunity to operate more refuse, and do a little less cleaning.
Look, we need cleaners, otherwise stuff would be constantly dirty, so don’t think I’m picking on the Refuse Operatives. Trains also have Revenue Protection Officers. I can only assume these roles are fulfilled by people who failed the medical for the Police or Army. Or they just wanted to avoid having the word Private in their title.
Drop the word Revenue and we could be talking about a bodyguard, or some sort of MI6 secret agent. Again, are there people applying for this role who expected to be a key team member in the hunt for Osama, and are they dismayed to find out they’re checking tickets on the Bristol to London Intercity?
The daddy of all roles was recently revealed where I work. The Product Development team have recently undergone a sort of re-branding exercise, and as a result have had their name changed to…. Imagineering! I kid ye not! It’s not even a real word! There are business cards with the job title of Lead Imagineer in existence. I have seen them with my own eyes!
I long for the days when people were Sandwich Ladies, Cleaners, Ticket Collectors and Teccie Nerds.
Do you have a ridiculous job title? If not, what would it be if you could make one up for yourself?
No tags
Scott · July 28, 2006 at 8:15 am
apparently a lad i went to school with is a “milkman’s assistant” now.
I have no idea what the job intales but it doesn’t sound like it pays much and that makes me happy, the silly floppy haired tosser.
Oli · July 28, 2006 at 8:55 am
I know the feeling all too well in our company, we have joys such as Business Analysts, People who work on oracle.
My bosses job title includes three “/”, and includes the words IT, Finance, Reporting, management, Asset and more.
I think its fantastic the way that people who did no management slowly became managers, and now you will find peolpe who do lowly jobs who have actualy aspired to the job title ‘director’, if asking these people if they are enjoying life on the board confuses them then its a pretty good indication that they are one of the ‘fakes’
Dr J · July 28, 2006 at 9:29 am
I’m a “Primary Care Clinician, Commissioner and Service Provider” to the NHS adminidroids, or, to most of my regulars born before 1948, simply “The Quack”.
(Guess which one I prefer).
Ranting Dullard · July 28, 2006 at 9:43 am
I am a child mental health worker, i dont mind that, it is what it says on the tin.
However, some folk dont like the word mental health and want us to be known as ‘emotional health and well being consultants’. To me, that sounds very new age and even bodering on hippy.
Teenagers sometimes call me shrink, which I love.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · July 28, 2006 at 9:57 am
Scott – is that like a “Protein enriched beverage distributors assistant”?
Oli – if you get a “/” you’re very important. Obviously
Dr J – Noone calls you Doc?
RD – “emotional Health and Well Being Consultant” – The best one so far!
BoyOnTop · July 28, 2006 at 10:03 am
Ah, the joys of title inflation. I usually have two or three which I bat about to confuse whomever I’m talking to. Its matters not a whit to me, its what I do that matters. I usually let my staff make up their own titles. If it makes them happy…
I came across a whopper of a title recently, “Brand Protection & Customer Care Officer/Director”. This was a person on not much money who sat and listened to contact centre calls and made notes. What happened to the notes I have not yet figured out.
Dr Clip · July 28, 2006 at 10:16 am
this was announced in my company yesterday:
Joe Bloggs (made up name) Vice President, Marketing for (broad category) and (techy category) and Regional executive sponsor for (quality initiative A) and (quality initiative B)(Acting)
I think his business card is going to be A3 size.
Mouldy · July 28, 2006 at 10:38 am
A certain institution I have heard of has someone called Head of Infrastructure.
What IS that?
Scott · July 28, 2006 at 10:51 am
Angry – its very similar to a “Protein enriched beverage distributors assistant” yes, except I think he has a more twattish uniform and only half the sallery.
Technically I should have used the word hope instead of the word think I spose.
*slouches off back in to the bitter corner*
Dr J · July 28, 2006 at 12:54 pm
Angry, it’s really odd. For those born pre NHS “Quack” seems to be the preferred term, those after tend to go with “Doc” when you give them what they want (Antibiotics for everything and sick notes) or “That-was-a-total-waste-of-fuckin’-time-dunno-why-I-even-bovvered-commin’-Bastard!” when you don’t.
Oli · July 28, 2006 at 1:50 pm
Dr Clip – My boss has seriously considered going for a ‘business card/ruler’ approach, finally make the damn things useful, looks like your joe bloggs could go for the same approach!
Jorge · July 28, 2006 at 1:51 pm
My pet peeve is the word “Champion”
Woody · July 28, 2006 at 2:56 pm
You won’t believe this, but my friend’s legitimate business card says that he’s a “Tight Hole Stimulator” for “BJ Services”. I don’t know what he does, but it has a chance at being the best or worst job ever, depending on the hole of course.
Celeste · July 28, 2006 at 3:52 pm
Yeah, i worked for Abbey National a few years ago as a cashier although my job title was ‘Cash flow Operative’.
Lame.
ellie · July 28, 2006 at 4:31 pm
I’m a marital interface exchange assistant.
And I’m a Ambisexual explorer.
And I’m an online information researcher and archivist.
And I’m not even paid for any of those activities. What do I get paid for? I don’t have a friggin’ clue.
Marycub · July 28, 2006 at 7:02 pm
can’t really make sales assistant into anything else. does what it says on the job title.
MAD · July 28, 2006 at 11:00 pm
In Portugal the job title for those who work at a school cleaning or watching the children is “auxiliary of educational action”. It just sounds weird!
Four Dinners · July 29, 2006 at 1:15 am
I’m a Cargo Agent. If my employer would agree to change Cargo to Secret I could get far more shags. They won’t though. bastards.
US · July 29, 2006 at 9:44 am
I suppose I’d be a mortality adjuster.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · July 30, 2006 at 8:24 pm
Hello Woody, Celeste and MAD.
There are some good titles there but I wonder if Woodys friend is male or female?
draco the tyranical · July 31, 2006 at 9:35 pm
Whichever way you look at it, it’s all bollocks. Optical Furnishing Engineer – Window Cleaner no less!
It’s amazing how many people are called “manager” today even if most of them couldn’t manage to tie their own shoe laces. In what can only be described as empire building there are departments in my place of work where the director manages a head of department who manages a manager who manages the senior analyst who manages the analyst who manages the junior analyst!!!!! The poor bloody junior analyst is the one doing all the work and by the time they get the instruction of what to do they precisely 15 minutes to complete the task before the deadline set by the director and the instructions bear no resemblance to thee original ones. Mind you that doesn’t matter because invariably the director hasn’t a bloody clue what they asked for anyway they were just passing on the instructions from the overseas head office.
Oli · August 1, 2006 at 8:50 am
Mary mary mary…
Sales Executive – all over
Style Management Advisor – Top shop or similar
Floor Manager – Folding clothes in various stores no actual management involved.
Retail Executive
Retail Advisor
Cashier Executive Operative – Made me chuckle, CEO behind a till
the lorider · August 1, 2006 at 9:21 pm
my co. seems to take the opposite view: they give me a lesser-ranking job title in order to justify paying me so little…….
karilyn · August 1, 2006 at 11:10 pm
the longer the job title the crapper the job.
a few years ago i worked for this company and everyone had long and convoluted job titles:
assistant enviornmental and horticultural technican (12 year old boy who mowed the grass)
my title was an assistant accomation services technican (a 11 year old bedmaker)
accomation and services engineer (the cleaner who ordered me to make beds)
but in truth give any one a title and they will work their bollax off
karilyn · August 1, 2006 at 11:12 pm
i learned at my first job at 11 never choose a job because of the title lenght but the money
show me the money!