I know what you fuckers are thinking. Angry’s gone and gotten himself a dose by shagging some bird he met whilst drunk? Well, no. That hasn’t happened. Or at least I don’t think it has. I mean, hypothetically speaking, how long would it be before the symptoms started to show, you know, if you had caught something? Hypothetically speaking of course.

Anyway…it’s not that sort of ‘clap’ that I’m pissed off about.

What I actually want to understand is why women applaud, and actively congratulate, the other team when they are scored against whilst playing Netball?

This is the most bizarre thing I have ever seen in the field of sports, and I’ve seen Kabadi played live. Team sports are there to create competition, they artificially manufacture a ‘battle’ scenario so that our most base of human instincts, the drive for victory, can be satisfied in a controlled manner. Don’t listen to that bollocks about “it’s how you played the game”. This is usually uttered from the mouth of a loser. Winning is everything.

If I were playing football, and during the game someone from the opposing team finally gave in to their overwhelming need to applaud me, I would think they were taking the piss, and it would probably end up in a violent confrontation.

If the idea is to win, why praise the opposition? Surely that just helps them? If I were a netball coach (we can all have our little dreams can’t we?) I’d go fucking ballistic at that sort of behaviour. It’s just not natural. I want to see and hear quality trash-talking, some off-the-ball incidents that involve hair pulling and face scratching. And above all, if nothing else, when the opposition score I want to hear you scream, “You jammy fucking bitch!”.

When my team scores I want to see each player in their opponents faces, screaming “You’re shit! This is tooooo fucking easy!!”. My netball team would kick-ass.

So, I’m thinking of holding of holding open trials, any of our female readers interested in applying?

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