“Ffffffft fffffft ffffft”

There are noises in this world that make you want to harm your fellow man. There are noises so evil that they make you want to harm yourself. Badly. And there are noises, those from the very bowels of hell, that make you want to instantly crucify the person making them.

Noises like fingernails being scratched down a blackboard, or a screaming baby.

But none of these has the bone-chilling stress-inducing effect of a woman filing her nails.

The very thought of it sends shivers down my spine, the relentless “ffffft ffffft ffffft” as Satan herself (if God could be a ’she’, why can’t the Devil? You don’t get the womens libbers going on about that do you?) drags that file over the end of her fingers. It goes through me like a cheesewire through a testicle.

No girlfriend of mine has ever been able to file her nails in my presence for fear of bodily harm or seeing a grown man cry. But not being a dater of old ladies the woman on the train had not had a relationship with me and so she didn’t know my aversion to the filing. As she began to file, I started to bleed from the ears so I turned up my iPod to drown out the sound, but I could still see her and in my head The Kooks were being drowned out by a relentless, yet imaginary, “fffft ffffft ffffft”.

I began to sweat.

“I’m sorry, but would you mind not doing that?“, I asked politely. I find it hard to be rude to old people, they are my nemesis’s, or nemisii.

“Is it bothering you dear?“, she replied clearly not noticing the gibbering wreck I was turning into.

“Yes, quite a lot I’m afraid”

“Well, the good news is I’m nearly finished!” she concluded, smiling her fake old person teeth at my whitening face.

She then continued to grind away at her decaying human matter, turning it into a fine dust that drifted across the train carriage. At least I think that’s what she did, as I had my eyes closed and had assumed the fetal position whilst desperately trying to find a “Happy Place”.

How serious is it if you kill an old person in cold blood?

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