A little white lie never hurt anyone.

Well, I say they’ve never hurt anyone, they have of course sent a few people to prison, but they’ve rarely caused actual physical harm to anyone. So in general they are OK to use on an alarmingly frequent basis.

However, there are some fucking massive great whopping lies that get told on a regular basis without care or consideration for the consequences. They are, without exception, bollocks.

“The cheque is in the post” – Oh not it fucking isn’t you pikey fuck. Pay up!

“Of course I’ll respect you in the morning” – Get your kit off. Now. And what’s your name again?

“I’m really sorry about this, but…” – No you’re not. In fact, you’re probably taking some sort of perverse pleasure in giving me this imminent piece of bad news you sociopathic wank-rag.

“I don’t mean to be rude, but….” – Don’t fucking say it then. The words don’t seem to be slipping out, there’s definite intention there, so keep them to yourselves if you don’t want a fucking slap.

“There are weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq” – Yup, they were right at the end of that Rainbow weren’t they?

“I’ll be five minutes” - Fuck. Right. Off. What you mean is, I have no concept of time, it is all irrelevant to me and I’ll be ready when my circadian rhythm tells me I’m ready.

And the motherfucking daddy of them all?

“Your call is important to us. We are doing everything we can to answer your call as quickly as we possibly can.”

What’s the worst (best?) lie you’ve ever told, and do people now know it was a lie?

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