Todays sports equipment market must be worth an absolute fortune. Running shoes, dri-fit sports vests, sweatbands etc. are all helping to free us of our disposable income.

That’s not even considering the requirements for a technical sport like cycling. The bikes they use can sell for hundreds, if not thousands of pounds, add to that tight fitting clothing and an aerodynamically designed helmet and you’ve got a sizeable dent in your wallet, and in your self-esteem of course.

But what difference does an aerodynamically designed helmet make to an average rider? Little or none I would imagine. And what if the rider is fat? I mean truly morbidly obese, like the complete twat I saw on Saturday?

I understand Le Tour is on TV at the moment, and like Wimbledon – before we were rubbish again – this ensures that people are tempted to go out and give the sport a go in case you happen to be the next Tiger Tim, or Moody Murray. Or in this case the next Lance Armstrong (and who wouldn’t want a go on Sheryl Crow?)

But at what point did that fat man look at that particular helmet and think, “You know what? That could take a tenth of a second off my time, I’ll take it!“. Clearly he shopped in the only sports store in Greater London without a mirror.

You know what else would take a bit of time off your laps pal? Less eating of pies, that’s what. Try consuming a few salads for a couple of weeks and I bet you could cycle quicker in a suit of armour than you do now in all that expensively assembled gear.

I admire his attempts to lose a few pounds, I really do. But dressing up like Weeble in a Yellow jersey is not the way to go about it. Surely the salesman in the shop where he bought it all must’ve seen what he was doing to him?

“Oh yes Sir, with this new graphite-composite aerodynamically-designed helmet you will knock all important seconds off your time. They’re tested in the same wind tunnels that Ferrari use you know. Here, let me fasten that under your chin, er, chins.”

Fat people. Please exercise indoors from now on, there’s a love.

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