I’m sure that losing your hearing is a pain in the arse, I don’t mean like Piles is a pain in the arse, I’m talking metaphorically.

I am lucky that so far my hearing doesn’t seem to have started to fail, despite attending numerous loud gigs as a youth and frequent trips to the local dancing emporiums in more recent years.

Which is why it surprises me that TV companies have gone to the trouble of assuming that we’re all deaf. How do I know they make this assumption? I know this because every time the adverts come on, they helpfully turn up the volume a couple of dozen decibels to ensure I don’t miss any of their helpful product placements.

I always thought that getting louder to gain someones attention was something that us humans grew out of aged 5 or 6. In fact, shouting for some attention saw me being locked under the stairs aged 3 (this may explain one or two things now I think about it).

The television firms are just behaving like spoiled children, but instead of shouting, “Look at me Mommy!! I want to show you something!!” we get “Look at me you fucker!! I am trying to sell you something!!”

And it’s getting worse. Of course, it could be that my hearing is becoming more acute, but I think that’s unlikely, unless the special powers I alluded to yesterday are manifesting themselves through my ears first? Anyway, it appears that the differential between volume of programme, and volume of advert is getting greater by the month, and the less popular the programme, the greater the differential. If you happen to be accidentally watching Men & Motors late at night, expect to bleed from the ears during the break.

If you make the mistake of turning it down during the adverts, you are then doubly fucked, because when the programme returns, you will inevitably miss the first few seconds of dialogue whilst trying to get the volume back to a level where something other than a dog can hear it.

The first person to put “Pardon?” in the comments goes on The List.

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