I like football. I like playing the game, and I like watching it on television.
I’ve deliberately stayed away from mentioning the World Cup as I know there are many people who don’t share my passion for the sport, and I don’t want to alienate my female reader. So, I won’t bore you with my opinions on Svens inability to correct the tactical weaknesses in our team, or the cheating-diving Italians, or the jammy-bastard Argies, or the referee-baiting Portugeezers, or the myopic referees, or the ridiculous cotton bud things on the faces of the ITV commentary team, or Gary Linekers ever-deepening tan, or the attention seeking WAG’s.
I won’t even mention them.
What I do like though, is the sense of camaraderie when a game is being shown in the pub. When everyone is cheering and getting into the spirit of the event, and you’re not quite as frightened as usual of the massive shaven-headed Chelsea supporting tattoo-adorned builder.
So why do the walking clichés that are women-who-watch-football always insist on standing near to me?
Last Wednesday Joe Cole scored one of the best England goals in a long long time. Cue rapturous applause and much cheering from all around me (and an awkward smiling moment with the shaven-headed builder), apart from the three women who seem to have mistaken this pub for a Starbucks.
“Come on ENG-UR-LAND!!”
“Get in there Joey boy!!”
“Fan-fucking-tastic, what a goal!!”
“Honestly, these split ends are driving me crazy!!”
Can you guess which of the above came from the ladies in question? I am more than a little bemused why they would wander into a busy pub, during an England game, order three glasses of wine and proceed to ‘chat’. I decide to ask them.
“Are you enjoying the game ladies?”
“Oh yes, it’s wonderful isn’t it. I’m just explaining to the girls how the offside rule works.”
I am not often lost for words. But I can honestly say that my flabber had never been so gasted. She then went on to tell me why she advocated the use of a holding midfielder instead of a rigid 4-4-2 and why Sven made a monumental error in not taking Defoe or Bent. All the while holding a parallel conversation about hair straighteners and the season finale of Desperate Housewives. I suspected that the very fabric of the Universe was being torn apart, but I couldn’t see the four horsemen of the apocalypse, so I assumed everything was normal.
After convincing myself that I hadn’t actually slipped into an alcohol induced coma, and she wasn’t a figment of my imagination, I decide to ask her to marry me. She said no. With hindsight I should have offered to buy her a drink first. That would have made all the difference I am sure.
Or perhaps I did imagine her? I mean, a woman that not only understands, but appreciates football. Surely not? But then, if I’m being spurned by the women in my imagination I really am in trouble aren’t I?
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ellie · June 28, 2006 at 8:01 am
You’re goading us, aren’t you?
I do love the World Cup for the comaraderie you mentioned. It’s like a festival. But this year the bastard refs are passing out cards like they’re at a massive leaving do. Bastards. The yellow card on Puyol last night was a farce. Henry is a cry baby.
Humf. (Yes, I was rooting for Spain despite their prediliction to disappoint).
Shamash · June 28, 2006 at 8:02 am
They’re more numerous than you think. Girls who appreciate and love to play the big sport and boomig thanks to more woman’s football being played and that film with Keira Knightly in a sports bar. Bend it like Beckham.
On a separate note WAG coverage is the most irritating thing known to mn apart from divers. I would like to cut down Posh Spice with a lawnmower, a la the final scene from Braindead
Ranting Dullard · June 28, 2006 at 8:36 am
I have not enjoyed the communal joy of watching the world cup this year. Its the price of having an under 5 child. No time to watch football, not when you have to play tennis on demand or continually climb up a ladder to reach yet another misplaced ball on the garage roof.
I am planning on watching the next world cup in about 8-12 years time.
Oli · June 28, 2006 at 8:49 am
There are several women who follow football as passionately as blokes, I have been out with a couple, and I can honestly say that this is NOT a good thing.
Firstly the woman will agree with you up untill you are in the pub with your mates, whereupon, using the information she gained from talking to you earlier, rip your entire perspective of the worldcup to shreds, ridiculing your suggested tactics, and pointing out that the player you thought should be cut from the team is just about to score on the big TV behind her.
The ones that annoy most me are the women who say that they love football, insist on coming to the game, then spend the whole match complaining about the noise, asking what everyone is gettng so worked up about, asking to go home and generally just being a pain in the ass.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · June 28, 2006 at 9:47 am
ellie – goading? Moi?
Shamash – It’s seems there are a few, see ellie above!
RD – This is why cupboards under the stairs were invented.
Oli – several, in the whole world?
nf girl · June 28, 2006 at 10:18 am
Ellie, where I come from, “rooting” means something else entirely.
I think.
Unless that’s what you meant.
BoyOnTop · June 28, 2006 at 10:22 am
Asking for a date after a refused awe stuck proposition of marraige is often a good move.
Now this football thing, I’ve been watching because the boys have decided they’re England supporters. Giving out a yellow card, that’s rather nice of the ref. Why do they get so angry when he gives them a red as well?
If it isn’t played on ice, its too slow…
Admin comment by Mr Angry · June 28, 2006 at 11:13 am
NF – I think you two definitely know what she meant
BoT – Hockey is for girls in skirts.
Chairwoman · June 28, 2006 at 11:33 am
Mr Angry, Mr Angry, you poor deluded soul. The affection for football, as with extremely loud music, diminishes exponentially with the placing of the ring on the finger.
The Chairman and I spent many a happy hour talking about and playing Fantasy Football, since he died, I haven’t watched, played or missed either.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · June 28, 2006 at 11:42 am
Chairwoman – So she was actually flirting with me?
greavsie · June 28, 2006 at 12:35 pm
Did you position yourself for a sneeky celebratory cuddle when England scored?
with the woman that is….
Matt · June 28, 2006 at 1:13 pm
I used to taunt one of my Uni mates because she said she liked football.
She went on to be a sports reporter for Radio 1.
Which, I guess, makes me a bit of a tosser.
sectioned · June 28, 2006 at 1:15 pm
What the hell are those things stuck to there faces? I want to rip them off and lick a tissue to rub their cheeks clean, just like my Mum used to do. Do they talk really quietly so that the microphone has to be millimetres away from their face? Is it because of all the years shouting obscene comments on the pitch (apart from lineker-he is a good lad.)
It reminds me of a friend who, when eating cornflakes, always got one stuck on his chin. He did not remove it for half an hour or more despite repeated requests from myself. Drove me crazy.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · June 28, 2006 at 1:24 pm
greavsie – a ’special’ cuddle?
Matt – Which one? One or two of them sound quite fit!
sectioned – hello, I think perhaps they’re just copying the referees?…
Oli · June 28, 2006 at 4:57 pm
Obviously world cup commentator cant use a normal microphone, that would just be stupid. Instead he has to don one that makes the wearer look like he has a large facial growth.
And a woman is always flirting unless she gets a restraining order.
marycub · June 28, 2006 at 6:48 pm
I know my place with football and i’m not afraid to say its as far away as possible. I’m not anti footie, quite the opposite, comradery etc is great, it just bores me so i dont go to the pub with the lads and i dont watch it with the bf. It’s no big deal it just doesn’t interest me. But go england nonetheless.
matt · June 28, 2006 at 8:10 pm
Mr. A – I’m afraid she’s moved on now, but
I just googled her and she’s got an address where you can send fan mail and request autographs…
I’m about to ask for one
amadea · June 28, 2006 at 9:30 pm
Are footballers allowed to go out during the match when they need to make a poo?
Admin comment by Mr Angry · June 29, 2006 at 10:21 am
Oli – and a restraining order is just playing hard-to-get?
marycub – “Go England”? Are you American?
matt – we should all ask for one…
amadea – or they can just curl one out on the pitch. I made a poo at School, a fake dog one.