This is not a post about the lovely Cheryl Baker and the effect her hastily removed skirt had on a pre-pubescent Mr Angry. It is not that kind of website.

Instead, I’m going to tell you about dinner last Saturday. Yet another stag do, of which there have been many this year, and dinner at a lively bistro. We arrive in good time despite no air-conditioning on the coach on one of the hottest days of the year. So I was little irritable.

As we took our table, the nice waitress brought over some menus and asked what we’d like to drink, “Lots of beer please” was the reply, and off she went to fetch us copious amount of strong continental lager. We perused the menus whilst catching up and taking the piss out of each other (I only meet up with my Uni mates once or twice a year). After about ten minutes we were still waiting for our drinks and getting rather hungry.

“Christ, ar could eet a scabby dogs dick like“, said barely-comprehensible-Geordie Mart.

“It’s not on the menu Mart, maybe we could check the specials board?” came the reply.

When it got to fifteen, we’d read the menu a couple of dozen times, and were salivating at the various deliciousness laid out before us. Finally our drinks arrived.

“Right, what would you like to eat?” asked smiley waitress whilst looking at little Inch-High at the head of the table.

“Er, right, I guess I should take a look at this menu?” came inch-highs reply.

“Oh, should I give you a few more minutes then?” said the waitress.

It took two of them to restrain me because at that precise moment I could easily have ripped Inch-Highs face off of and fed it to barely-comprehensible-Geordie Mart in place of a scabby dogs dick.

It’s not like he couldn’t see we were all starving and ready to order, so why not read the menu when the rest of us were? This is very selfish, and the minute or two delay could make a significant difference to the rest of the evening, and in fact the rest of our lives. Had he not seen Sliding Doors? Someone could die.

Anyway we ordered, and Mart had some sausage based concoction that looked like scabby dogs dick.

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