If you’re going to waste your time visiting a place of interest, then please, try and do just a little bit research beforehand.
I live in a place that is considered to have some considerable historical value. Unfortunately, what this means is that each and every summer we get invaded for four months by the worlds mongs. It’s as if the planets greatest retards are inexplicably drawn to places of ‘interest’.
“Why did the queen build her castle so close to the airport?” I was asked by a fat American lady a couple of years ago.
Are you fucking kidding me?
So this year, I’ve taken to giving out some free tourist advice to the passing imbeciles who happen to ask me stupid questions;
“We have a slap-the-beggar custom in the part of the world, if someone asks for money, it’s bad luck if you don’t hit them across the face, they’ll be offended if you don’t. That one outside M&S likes to be hit really hard.”
“Yes, beheading is still legal, but only if the Queen doesn’t like the look of you. If you want to be liked, greet her with a traditionally jovial local welcome such as, ‘How’s it goin’ you old slag!’”
“They’ll let you into the Castle for free if you take a present for the Queen. She likes big blocks of Marzipan and old fashioned alarm clocks. Put the two together into a lunch box and just make sure the guy on the door can see it, then you’ll have no trouble.”
“It’s like Vatican City here, we have our own laws and army. Those policeman are merely for show, they have no actual powers at all and are just out of work actors, treat them with the contempt they deserve.”
“The Castle is actually sponsored by Legoland, they built it in 1993 after the fire. You can chisel off any bricks that look loose as each night they replace the ones taken as souvenirs.”
Fucking stupid tourists. Can you think of any other advice I could usefully dispense?
No tags
Oli · June 22, 2006 at 8:49 am
Tell them the river has healing qualities, and a good drink will keep you healthy for months.
York has a huge amount of tourists come visit, personally I see it as a huge benefit because you get some damn nice ladies from the far reaches of the world, and my house was built in the 1500’s right in the centre of town its very easy for me to offer the prospective a guided tour of my house. On the other hand wattle and daub is a bitch to insure.
Dr J · June 22, 2006 at 9:13 am
There’s the old Hoffnung Favourites:
All brothels in London display a blue lamp.
Oblige your chambermaid by hanging your bedlinnen out of the window every morning.
On enetring the Underground train it is customary to shake hands with all the occupants of your carriage.
There were more. Probably worth googling if you’re feeling sadistic
Dr J · June 22, 2006 at 10:46 am
Oh, and I must confess to being a tad disappointed. I thought from the header you had come over all sex blogger-y and this was going to an nf style post
Dr J · June 22, 2006 at 10:46 am
Oh, and I must confess to being a tad disappointed. I thought from the header you had come over all sex blogger-y and this was going to an nf style post
Admin comment by Mr Angry · June 22, 2006 at 10:50 am
Oli – This place has it’s share of hottie visitors, but there’s a fat Jap with a dozen camera’s for every one of them.
Dr J – They’re new to me, I’ll look him up.
Dr J – So disappointed you said it twice?
Dr J · June 22, 2006 at 10:50 am
Damn that comments button. two clicks and it goes on twice. Now I’m angry!
Admin comment by Mr Angry · June 22, 2006 at 10:51 am
Dr J – Who’d have guessed, press something twice and it happens twice! Shocking!
z · June 22, 2006 at 10:56 am
My goodness, Mr A, you’re hot when you’re angry. Sarcastic, too, mm-hm.
*goes to dig very hard in the garden to restore equilibrium*
Four Dinners · June 22, 2006 at 11:13 am
Restorin’ a Roman Villa in yer garden? Fuckin big garden….
Just point em towards a local Mosque n they’ll think they’ve landed in Iran by mistake…..If they come to Hayes they’d really believe it n all….
Dr J · June 22, 2006 at 12:46 pm
*cue witty retort in the manner of Oscar Wilde*
Bastard.
*as you were*
greavsie · June 22, 2006 at 1:57 pm
There’s a job for you in the Citizens Advice Bureau.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · June 22, 2006 at 2:36 pm
z – keep digging, there’s more sarcasm to come
FD – I’ve played football in Hayes, I know what you mean!
Dr J – am still searching for idiot proof posting toold
greavsie – and yet after several applications I’m still not working there?
amadea · June 22, 2006 at 4:32 pm
I worked at a travel agent’s when I was a student. A lady was calling from abroad. She wanted to book a room in Salzburg. She was interested in B&B accomodation.
So she asked me, “Have they got running water in each room?”
I couldn’t help saying, “Yes, of course madam. In every room except the toilet”.
The convesation abruptly ended.
BoyOnTop · June 22, 2006 at 5:13 pm
I particularly like reminding visitors from “across the pond” (and don’t you hate that term?) to look left when crossing the street.
ellie · June 22, 2006 at 10:08 pm
God this one (post) had me cracking up. Can’t think of a single clever thing to say … just still laughing.
Ranting Dullard · June 22, 2006 at 10:31 pm
Chav is a wonderful compliment to pay to youngsters in London.
‘You look like a right wanker sir’ is an appropriate comment to anyone in a football shirt.
‘Can I play with your bollocks?’ is a great thing to say to young boys in London. They will love it especially in front of their mums.
karilyn · June 22, 2006 at 11:43 pm
used to work with a lot of tourists so the stuff you would hear was so crazy….
one of the best was an american woman who told ne her family were irish from glasgow….. (i said nothing as i wanted the tip)
but the best ones you would hear are from brits and eu people aboard….. ie; does bono meet every one for tea at a set time?
where can i meet a lephrachan? Where are the donkeys and the tatched cottages?
nf girl · June 23, 2006 at 11:45 am
Oh, Angry.
I like to learn about a country/place/person by visiting it. If this means sometimes I arrive in a foreign city, and think I am in Turkey when really I am in Budapest, well….
Admin comment by Mr Angry · June 23, 2006 at 3:05 pm
amadea – running water down the walls
BoT – or not tell them?
ellie – make stuff up, that’s what I do
RD – they’re on the list! (non Blogger folks can’t comment on your site btw)
Karilyn – you should’ve got a short mate to play ‘leprechaun’ for tips.
NF – well…. indeed! Dont go visiting any castles this summer. Please…
Sandra Hurt-Norris · June 28, 2006 at 9:14 pm
Mr. Angry….I think I love you. I’m an American and you always cheer me up (I don’t know what that says about me.) You remind me of my Mama on washday.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · June 29, 2006 at 1:45 pm
Sandra – Hello, join the back of the love-queue or take a ticket and come back later.