I’m not a Dad. I may be one day, who knows, but I’m not right now. This doesn’t mean that I don’t know what would make a good Dad. Or more specifically, that I don’t know what makes a bad Dad.

But I noticed at Tim Worstalls place, that the Government doesn’t seem to think that way.

On Wednesday the Government launched The Dad Pack. It seems this is designed to give helpful hints and tips for new fathers so that they can become better Dads. In principle you would think this is a good idea. It would mean men could raise better families, at least, those that could read could.

Unfortunately, it appears they’ve fucked it up and the continued dumbing-down of society has continued at pace, particularly with this pack.

If you take a look inside you will notice that top tips include:

1. Don’t have an affair when your wife is pregnant.
2. If you feel horny, have a wank.
3. When you’re doing a lot of housework don’t say, “Who’s having this baby, you or me?”
4. Bite your lip, not your partner, when you’re ratty with her.
5. Water spray her during labour, but not with a water pistol.

Does this not seem a little bit like common sense? I truly despair if we felt the need to create a booklet for new Dads that includes the above advice. What kind of socially inept moron doesn’t know this already?

A question for the fathers out there, how many of you actually bit the mother of your children during pregnancy?

I would imagine that half of the fathers that read this aren’t actually the real ‘father’ anyway. OK, that’s a sweeping generalisation, but if the Government can assume people need this kind of advice then I think I’m safe making my assumption. If in fact they aren’t the father, then they need more practical advice on bringing up someone else’s child. Perhaps they could try the Bible? Was Joseph the first Chav Dad?

If this blindingly-fucking-obvious-advice continues, then I look forward to the, “Don’t eat yellow snow” and “Don’t stand up in a rubber dinghy” brochures later this year.

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