I have a request.

If you’re going to ‘top’ yourself, then please do what you can to ensure you complete the task at home, or someplace quiet in the middle of the night. Try jumping off your house, or take a bath with a toaster. Do not, under any circumstances, threaten to jump off a bridge on the M25 causing a two and a half hour delay on a Saturday during the last bank Holiday weekend in May. Trust me, that just makes me want to kill you more quickly.

Had I known at the time that the delay was caused by your procrastinating on a bridge I would’ve walked from my stationary car to your location and given you a little helpful nudge on your way. I had assumed it was an accident, and was even hoping everyone involved would be OK. Now knowing the truth of the situation, I find myself wishing you a more expedient death.

Did your decision to kill yourself include an analysis of the methods which would cause the most disruption to those left behind?

1. Me hanging from the bannisters = No disruption. Not good enough, next up…
2. Me jumping in front of a lorry = Some possible Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for the driver. Nah, I can do better…
3. Me threatening to jump from a motorway bridge = Several hundred bank-holiday plans ruined. We have a winner people!

This is not to say I don’t think people committing suicide is a tragedy when it does happen, I absolutely do (unless it’s corrupt public officials about to be outed). I just believe that if you’ve decided you’re going to force yourself off this mortal coil a little earlier than planned, then the least you can do is go quietly and not make a fuss.

It’s the British way.

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