“I’d like a quote for a new car key please, the battery in the current one appears to be almost dead” I asked the nice man on the other end of the phone.
“Certainly Sir, can I have the registration of the car?”
“Yup, its [registration removed to prevent mentalist Internet stalkers finding my secret location]”
“OK, just one moment Sir…[one moment later], OK, that’ll be £99.53 including VAT”
“Ha! Nice one. You’re a funny man. How much is it really?”
“It’s £99.53 Sir. Including VAT”
“I’d expect it to include encrusted diamonds and a free blowjob for £99.53, does it include encrusted diamonds and a blow job?”
“No Sir, but that’s how much they cost”
“No, that’s how much you charge. I’d imagine they actually cost significantly less.”
“You can bring the car down anytime, and we can order the new key then.”
“Err, I’m not buying one, that price is ridiculous”
“But we’re the only people who sell them”
At this point I hung up the phone and resigned myself to my car alarm going off every time I get in my car until I find my spare key. I apologise in advance if you live near me.
Fucking bastard BMW.
No tags
Oli · May 31, 2006 at 7:35 am
Its the same across the board im afraid, even Fiats charge about £100 for a bastard key. , so be safe in the knowledge that BMW for once havn’t charged you teh 200% markup, even if they do make bloody fantastic cars.
Ranting Dullard · May 31, 2006 at 8:06 am
I know an Indian guy in Blackburn who can do you one for 50 quid.
Still expensive I know but that include ‘wink wink VAT’.
Oli · May 31, 2006 at 10:12 am
If you goto blackburn you could get a new BMW for £50 thats *wink wink* legal =p
Admin comment by Mr Angry · May 31, 2006 at 10:44 am
Oli – Fiats too? I am shocked. And BMW make great cars until you need to get one serviced/fixed. Then they’re fucking shite.
RD – Ah, the old wink-wink VAT, Gordon Browns favourite.
greavsie · May 31, 2006 at 11:18 am
Toyota are no better, not that this helps of course, I just wanted to get it off my chest (the sentiment, not the car).
Admin comment by Mr Angry · May 31, 2006 at 11:50 am
Greavsie – bench-pressing Toyota’s? Is that how you got that puffy-chestedness?
Dr Dan H. · May 31, 2006 at 1:19 pm
Alternatively find your spare key, then work out how to open up the old and now non-functional key.
If it is anything like the one on my 2001 Toyota, then it’ll be a key unit containing a small plastic box of radio tricks. In this box will be a bog-standard CR-whatever lithium battery.
Take out this battery, and scrutinise it carefully. It should have written on what it is; once identified Maplins or similar electrical retailers will be pleased to charge you two pounds or thereabouts for the replacement.
Replace the battery, rebuild the key and go see if it works.
If it works, you just saved yourself ninety-odd quid. If not, you’ve lost a couple of quid, max.
This worked for me, but then Toyota do include instructions on how to actually do this yourself.
ellie · May 31, 2006 at 6:21 pm
ohhhhh ya beamer driving cheapskate! Fork up the 99 quid!
Admin comment by Mr Angry · May 31, 2006 at 6:40 pm
Hello Dr Dan – I might give that a go, nothing to lose.
ellie – I am not a cheapskate. I am merely making best use of my limited resources (which is better for the planet as a whole apparently)
ellie · May 31, 2006 at 7:02 pm
A big apology hug (i’ve heard you love hugs) if my tongue-n-cheek was taken seriously!
Katy Newton · May 31, 2006 at 8:39 pm
Goodness, Ellie, I can’t think where you might have heard that… but he does love a hug does Mr A. In secret.
((((hugs))))
Bryn, North Wales · June 1, 2006 at 12:06 am
Only £100? Pity we lesser mortals who put up with ( = can only afford ) Citroen, Renault et al. I was quoted £140 when I last went to a main dealer for a replacement key.
TIP : If you ever scrap a car (any car) with a transponder key, take the barrel, transponder unit, & Engine Management Unit out first. Chances are it will save you some money, or make some on Ebay if you buy a different make or model.
karilyn · June 1, 2006 at 2:19 am
go to a rough area and get a nice kind kid to show you how to hotwire the car, saves even finding the keys never mind replacing them
Admin comment by Mr Angry · June 1, 2006 at 2:06 pm
Katy – the secret is out?
Bryn – Hello, a useful and geographically accurate post from you, my readers could learn a lot from you…
Karilyn – rough area / nice kid ? Shurely shome mishtake?
Bryn, North Wales · June 2, 2006 at 12:06 am
Mr.Angry: Diolch yn fawr i chi, hefyd…!!!!
Karilyn: Re. rough areas, I lived (too) close to one just north of Manchester for a while. When I scrapped my faithful old Lada (the ultimate survivors car & zero attraction for even the most desperate TWOKer) & got a newer car with a transponder, I ended up being refused renewal on my insurance due to the repeated combination of broken drivers window + butchered ignition/barrel! The car was never stolen, just repeatedly (7 times !!!) targetted by wannabee TWOKers – hence my move to a more peaceful part of the world!
The main traffic problem around here is suicidal sheep jumping out in front of cars – but on the upside, the freezer is seldom empty