“I’d like a quote for a new car key please, the battery in the current one appears to be almost dead” I asked the nice man on the other end of the phone.

“Certainly Sir, can I have the registration of the car?”

“Yup, its [registration removed to prevent mentalist Internet stalkers finding my secret location]”

“OK, just one moment Sir…[one moment later], OK, that’ll be £99.53 including VAT”

“Ha! Nice one. You’re a funny man. How much is it really?”

“It’s £99.53 Sir. Including VAT”

“I’d expect it to include encrusted diamonds and a free blowjob for £99.53, does it include encrusted diamonds and a blow job?”

“No Sir, but that’s how much they cost”

“No, that’s how much you charge. I’d imagine they actually cost significantly less.”

“You can bring the car down anytime, and we can order the new key then.”

“Err, I’m not buying one, that price is ridiculous”

“But we’re the only people who sell them”

At this point I hung up the phone and resigned myself to my car alarm going off every time I get in my car until I find my spare key. I apologise in advance if you live near me.

Fucking bastard BMW.

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