Al-Qaeda member Zacarias Moussaoui is to spend the rest of his life in prison for his part in the 9/11 terrorist attacks. This is a good thing. First of all, he won’t ever be freed. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, he won’t be seen as a martyr, so he won’t be getting his 72 virgins any time soon. Of course, he may well become a virgin himself depending upon which institution they place him in, butt [sic] them’s the breaks.
I wonder, if he dies of old age in prison does he still get his ‘reward’? I bloody well hope not. It’s not like he’s dying for the cause anymore is it. Maybe you get a couple of dirty old slags in the afterlife if you get caught or detained? They don’t advertise that bit of the Koran, so it’s hard to know for sure.
I have never really understood the mentality of these terrorists who blow themselves up for the promise of 72 virgins in Heaven. Don’t get me wrong, it’s better than the promise of a thank-you card or box of Roses, but surely it would get a little tired after a while? Given the choice, I’d want to negotiate a bit before blowing myself up.
“OK, let’s call it 36 virgins, but I also want 30 who’ve been around the block a bit, and 6 ex-pro’s to act as mentors to the rest. Deal?”
At least this way you guarantee yourself a few fun evenings, and perhaps even a bit of proper kinkiness every now and again. Unless you don’t want any kinkiness, and a two minute bout of missionary is all you’d ever need? This is why I’m convinced the only people who desperately want to sleep with virgins are either virgins themselves, or are really really bad in bed. I’m not entirely sure which category suicide bombers fall into, but I’ll hazard a guess at it being the latter. Let’s be honest here. If you’re a bit of a ladies man you’re not going want to limit yourself to 72 novices are you?
But what about the virgins? Not understanding the Islamic Laws that pertain to this I wonder if are there young girls out there planning on saving themselves for a 1/72 share of a murderer in the afterlife? If so, then you’re hardly setting your sights high on that one are you love. Your parents must be so proud. What’s wrong with aspiring to marry a footballer or being a model? They clearly need better careers advisers at school. Or maybe the virgins are manufactured up in Heaven ‘on-demand’, a bit like a car production line but with boobs and nice arses instead. I like the sound of that.
Finally, I would imagine this 72-virgins-in-the-afterlife deal is the reason we don’t see any female martyrs? I certainly don’t know many women who would be happy to spend eternity enduring endless bouts of “two bumps and a squirt”.
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Dr Clip · May 5, 2006 at 1:39 pm
Good comment. It also poses another important question. What Virgin would want to shag a dead bloke, and not only a dead bloke, but a dead bloke that is in a hundred million pieces after blowing himself up?
And another thing. Are there Suicide Bombings and Fundamentalists in Nirvana, i’m just not sure and think Mr Angry should employ a speacialist to comment? Someone from Al Jaazera TV maybe?
Question: Why are all Virgins up for it in Nirvana?
Answer: Its their Teen Spirit!
Oh Dear.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · May 5, 2006 at 1:48 pm
Doc – b’dum tsh…
Al Jazeerah · May 5, 2006 at 1:49 pm
It’s a well known fact that the virgins are dying for it.
ellie · May 5, 2006 at 7:39 pm
I know this piece of trivia has gone around a bit … but I must reiterate … it’s not even 72 virgins that they get (according to the various expert email chains I’ve gotten over the past few years) … it’s raisins. Raisins, virgins … 6 of one; 1/2 dozen of another.
Ranting Dullard · May 5, 2006 at 8:01 pm
the 72 virgins are virgins for a reason.
Some are children.
Some have profound learning disabilites.
Some have a face that could stand clogging.
Some are just fat cunts.
So, lets just forget allah then.
Katy Newton · May 6, 2006 at 9:59 am
Why would anyone blow themselves up for 72 raisins when they could just buy a couple of Sun Maid snack boxes at Tesco?
*baffled, but still very fond of Angry*
xx
Four Dinners · May 6, 2006 at 11:00 am
Why’s it 72 anyway. Who thought up 72? Has Islam got a super computer tellin’ em the meanin’ of life or what? N what happens after you shagged ‘em all n you’ve run out of virgins? Do yer get a fresh supply? N what happens to the used one’s? I’m not goin’ to sleep tonight worryin’ about this…..
The Editor · May 7, 2006 at 8:32 am
Before I blow myself up I’d have to be sure of the deal.
That’s OK though because the Koran is the explicit word of God so martydom is underwritten.
“….He that leaves his dwelling to fight for God and His apostle and is then overtaken by death, shall be rewarded by God….
The unbelievers are your inveterate enemies (Koran 4.95-101)
But ….
Errrr… maybe… what about another earlier Holy Book ?
6If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is as thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers;
7Namely, of the gods of the people which are round about you, nigh unto thee, or far off from thee, from the one end of the earth even unto the other end of the earth;
8Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him:
9But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people.
10And thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the LORD thy God,……etc
Deueteronomy 13.6-10
Maybe God never wrote it at all, it was just some dudes a while back something to think about before pulling the pin ?
nf girl · May 7, 2006 at 1:55 pm
Yet another reason why the whole suicide bomber thing escapes my understanding.
Virgins? Terrible in bed.
wham spam thank you bam · May 7, 2006 at 5:22 pm
As Jerry Sadowitz said in his gig last night:
“I don’t care if someone from Al Queda kills me – ‘cos if they do, they’ll be getting sloppy seconds, cos I’ll have shagged all of their 72 virgins before they’ve died and gone to heaven….”
zippy · May 8, 2006 at 6:32 am
Mr. Angry, doesn’t it seem a bit off-color that Mousari (however it’s spelled, goddamn wogs) was basically found guilty of being an Al-queda wanna-be? The twat wasn’t considered to be in the mix as it were, but he got a life sentence ’cause he was an asshole during his trial. Fair enough.
As to the virgins, you make a good point. What culture would value 72 virgins over one’s own life? One that knew about venereal disease? One that had a prediliction for other forms of sex? (Why is the camel called the “ship of the desert”?) One that liked fat, ugly little girls? (Ugh. Is a nuclear strike really all that wrong?)
BoyOnTop · May 8, 2006 at 2:37 pm
Hey guys, its heaven, they don’t do sex there. So you get 72 virgins that are about as useful as 72 raisins. A guy can only eat so many hand fed grapes…