Al-Qaeda member Zacarias Moussaoui is to spend the rest of his life in prison for his part in the 9/11 terrorist attacks. This is a good thing. First of all, he won’t ever be freed. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, he won’t be seen as a martyr, so he won’t be getting his 72 virgins any time soon. Of course, he may well become a virgin himself depending upon which institution they place him in, butt [sic] them’s the breaks.

I wonder, if he dies of old age in prison does he still get his ‘reward’? I bloody well hope not. It’s not like he’s dying for the cause anymore is it. Maybe you get a couple of dirty old slags in the afterlife if you get caught or detained? They don’t advertise that bit of the Koran, so it’s hard to know for sure.

I have never really understood the mentality of these terrorists who blow themselves up for the promise of 72 virgins in Heaven. Don’t get me wrong, it’s better than the promise of a thank-you card or box of Roses, but surely it would get a little tired after a while? Given the choice, I’d want to negotiate a bit before blowing myself up.

“OK, let’s call it 36 virgins, but I also want 30 who’ve been around the block a bit, and 6 ex-pro’s to act as mentors to the rest. Deal?”

At least this way you guarantee yourself a few fun evenings, and perhaps even a bit of proper kinkiness every now and again. Unless you don’t want any kinkiness, and a two minute bout of missionary is all you’d ever need? This is why I’m convinced the only people who desperately want to sleep with virgins are either virgins themselves, or are really really bad in bed. I’m not entirely sure which category suicide bombers fall into, but I’ll hazard a guess at it being the latter. Let’s be honest here. If you’re a bit of a ladies man you’re not going want to limit yourself to 72 novices are you?

But what about the virgins? Not understanding the Islamic Laws that pertain to this I wonder if are there young girls out there planning on saving themselves for a 1/72 share of a murderer in the afterlife? If so, then you’re hardly setting your sights high on that one are you love. Your parents must be so proud. What’s wrong with aspiring to marry a footballer or being a model? They clearly need better careers advisers at school. Or maybe the virgins are manufactured up in Heaven ‘on-demand’, a bit like a car production line but with boobs and nice arses instead. I like the sound of that.

Finally, I would imagine this 72-virgins-in-the-afterlife deal is the reason we don’t see any female martyrs? I certainly don’t know many women who would be happy to spend eternity enduring endless bouts of “two bumps and a squirt”.

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