“Beep-beep-beep beeeep beeeep beep-beep-beep”

I receive a text message! This is not in itself very interesting, and does nothing to build up the suspense to which you have become accustomed whilst reading here. However, upon inspection of my phone it says, “1 Multimedia Message Received”.

This is interesting.

I’ve only received a couple of photo messages in the past, mainly because my friends are too tight, or too technologically retarded to send them. I did once get an interesting picture of the Batmobile on the M6, but that’s a different story. Anyway, a multimedia message awaits me.

I press the view button and am immediately confronted by an image that we men are generally very pleased to see. Though completely alone, I blush a little.

The photo is of an attractive young lady, posing in not-very-much-at-all. The message underneath reads, “Have a great bank holiday! Catch up soon? Xx”. It has been sent by a girl I was seeing a short while ago. Once I regain my breath I consider my options;

One – I can call her back immediately.

Two – I can text her back immediately.

Three – I can get in my car and drive there immediately.

There is no fourth option that I can see.

I decide that an immediate text message has the right balance of desirable-aloofness and genuine-interest so I respond wishing her a good bank holiday and suggesting we meet up in the next few weeks to ‘catch-up’.

An almost immediate (OK, almost = about half an hour) response enquires, “So where is my bank holiday picture? Don’t be shy ”

I am very good at reading subtle signals from the opposite sex and I take this text as ”buying-signal’, as I believe my fellow Play-ahs call it.  This presents me with a dilemma.

I am not one for photography, and certainly not for posing in photos, especially those taken by myself. The school photo’s my parents proudly display give the impression I’m feigning bravery whilst awaiting a painful execution. I do not take a good photograph. My mum has always said that good-looking people rarely do, and I believe this is to be an excellent theory. Yet, I still want to convey some interest in our ‘catch-up’. Hence my dilemma.

I try taking a couple of practice photo’s to test various fully-clothed poses and immediately realise why a career in modelling never beckoned.  My futile attempts look like “man at C&A in front of firing squad”. It is hard enough trying to avoid looking ridiculous in family photograph’s, never mind when the intent is to convey a certain seductive allure. I realise why a career in the movies never beckoned.

After a rather stressful twenty minute period, I decide that my only available course of action is to claim my camera doesn’t work. Which is what I do.

We have yet to arrange the post bank holiday ‘catch-up’.

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