Offices are dull boring places most of the time, well, mine is. So anything you can do to brighten up your day should be applauded. At least that’s the way I feel. Unless you wear a hilarious comedy cartoon tie of course, in which case a slow period of strangulation is too good for you. Why do people who wear comedy ties consistently wear a perpetual grin? I’m assuming a bad case of retardation is the cause, but I’m not sure. Anyway I digress.
Fat Jim has been away for a few days and brought me back a mug, he gave it to me as part of a marathon “I’ve been away and you haven’t” bragging session, the miserable twat. I’m not in the least bit grateful, but the mug itself is quite good. Firstly, it’s quite big so I can get a lot of caffeine in it. Secondly, and most importantly, it has a picture of several attractive women in bikini’s on an exotic beach. In short, it is a work of art.
This is not the best bit however. Oh no. When you add a hot drink to the mug, the bikini’s disappear. What wonderful magic this is! So, when it comes to brightening up the office, you can see why I like this item.
But not everyone feels the same as me. Oh no.
I received an email today from HR, it read thus.
“Hi Angry,
Would you mind taking your new mug home, I’m afraid a couple of people are a little offended by it.
Thanks!
HR Nazi”
OK, they didn’t sign it HR Nazi, but the rest is accurate. I went to see the Nazi to discuss this matter, and my email response could’ve got me in more trouble than it’s worth.
“What’s wrong with my mug then?”, I enquire with more than a hint of surface anger.
“It objectifies the women in the office”, is the blunt reply.
“No it doesn’t. There’s not a woman in this building who looks remotely like this. Believe me. I’ve looked long and hard. If they did, I wouldn’t need the mug would I?”
“That’s not the point.”
“Well what is then?”
“Women feel degraded by the representation, and they shouldn’t be subjected to nudity in the office”
“Degraded? It was that dyke in accounts wasn’t it? And they’re not nude, they have bikini’s on”
“No, it wasn’t her, and the Politically correct term is [carpet-muncher] if you don’t mind. The bikini’s disappear if you put coffee in it.”
“Who told you about the hot drinks? Has someone been using my mug?”
“Again Angry, that’s not the point”
“Yes it is. Who used my mug? Tell me or there’ll be hell to pay. I’ll start a witch-hunt, believe me, and it’ll be ten times worse than when someone stole my yoghurt from the fridge. It will not not be pretty.”
“Er, Pam in Admin”
“Oh fuck no. Not Fat Pam? Not Fat Pam with the fucking cold-sores?!”
Needless to say, the mug is in the bin. However, if they come after my Pirelli calendar someone will get a slap.
No tags
Ranting Dullard · April 27, 2006 at 7:48 am
Try working with my group of bastards. One of them describes herself as a marxist feminist. She cried when I showed her my presentation on attatchment ‘cos it showed a mum holding a baby. She thought it was sexist.
It was just a mum holding a baby. Nothing rude or explicit. Nope, nada. zilch.
Sooz · April 27, 2006 at 9:48 am
Oh ffs!
You now need to scour the office for signs of decoration – (especially Pam’s!) and then let them know how upset it makes you – or how distracting it is from work.
Someone must have one of those vile little furry creatures with stick-on eyes that sits on the monitor?… (they have them in Building Societies for some odd reason)
William Board · April 27, 2006 at 9:56 am
“Women feel degraded by the representation, and they shouldn’t be subjected to nudity in the office”
Of course they shouldn’t.
That’s why I believe most strongly that they should stay at home doing the housework.
Tin helmet on.
US · April 27, 2006 at 10:48 am
Wait till the next one of them has a copy of Heat magazine or some other rubbish lying around – there’s usually far more naked flesh shown there than there should be.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · April 27, 2006 at 12:41 pm
RD – If I’m getting told there’d better be tits involved.
Sooz – it would takes days and days to rid our office of that crap.
William – The views of the commentors do not necessarily reflect those of the author. But sometimes they do.
US – We actually have an office subscription to OK and Hello. But I’m not one to cut off my nose despite my face.
BoyOnTop · April 27, 2006 at 1:26 pm
Ohhh, scary, playing with HR. They have their humour surgically removed, and are trained in the 21 ways of removing a person from their employement.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · April 27, 2006 at 4:06 pm
BoT – I’m very brave. You will learn this about me.
karilyn · April 27, 2006 at 10:05 pm
ok first off…. get lots of zivorax and slauther it on your face cause you don’t want one of her cold sores. next buy pam a nice cake, a dundee or fruit cake, some syrup of figs, pour over cake….. she’ll have the shits for a week. that’s her off work.
hack into her email and send a few of her looking for the nearest clinic to help with murderous tendencies, something like fetchies for cups ect and get her moved to dusting the cabnets.
ps in the words of u2 don’t let the bastards grind you down