I was commuting into London yesterday, something that I have to with reasonably frequency for the day job (I apologize for shattering the mystique that surrounds me, yes I’m normal too).
As I normally do, I bought a coffee and a paper at the station, something of a ritual, and then took my seat on the train to catch up on events around the world. That’s when the fat guy decided to sit next to me, and when I say fat, he makes Fat Jim look like that running bird who shat herself in the London Marathon . Now I don’t mind fat people generally, unless they start doing ‘fat’ things, like sweating and wheezing, or in this case, taking up more than their fair share of space.
And that’s when it began.
First it was just furtive glances at the headlines. I clocked him straight away, but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Then, despite the fact that we already closer than an Italian election result, he began to manoeuvre himself even closer to me in order to get a good look at the articles. It was at that point it happened. He made a move to stop me turning a page. He obviously caught himself in the act, as he didn’t actually make contact with the paper, but I know he wanted to. Our eyes met, and he could see he’d made a mistake of quite epic proportions, and so the conversation began.
“That’ll be 10p”, I demand.
“Excuse me?”
“10 pence. Give it to me please”
“I don’t understand.”
“I. Want you. To give me. Ten pence. Now”
“Why?”
“For renting my newspaper”
“Ha ha, er, are you serious?”
“Oh you have no idea how serious. People have been hospitalised for less. You’ve been reading my paper for the last 5 minutes, I paid for it, you’re renting it, I want payment.”
“This is a joke right? Paying to rent your paper? that’s absurd.”
“No, what’s absurd is the fact that you think you can read my paper. It’s mine. I paid for it. There were plenty more in the shop, but you chose to get a freebie on me instead. That’s thievery. Now, can I have my ten pence.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, I’m not giving you any money, I’ll buy my own if it makes you feel any better”
“No it won’t. You can’t unrent a holiday home after you’ve stayed in it, you can’t unhire a car after you’ve driven it, and you can’t unhire my newspaper after you’ve spent time slobbering over my shoulder reading every story. It’s called stealing and that makes you a thief.”
By this time we had the attention of the carriage, so he somehow managed to drag his ample frame off the seat, and waddled to the door as we were approaching the station. And I didn’t have my ten pence.
As he left the train I followed him into the main newsagents at the station, believe me, he wasn’t hard to find. As he queued to pay for a chocolate bar and a coke (at 8:30 in the morning) I dropped a parker pen from the shelves into his bag. I then wandered over to the security guy and whispered in his ear that I’d just seen a shoplifter in action,
“You see that purple faced overly obese chap in the queue. He put a pen in his bag, I don’t think he’s going to pay for it.”
“Thank you Sir, I’ll watch him leave”
I watched as he left and was questioned, and the pen in his bag withdrawn, the look of shock on his face was a picture.
There’s a life lesson in here somewhere. If a complete stranger demands money with menaces on public transport. Give it to them. Especially if you’re fat.
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Ranting Dullard · April 24, 2006 at 7:50 am
Good on you. These fat people are a disgrace. Its a pity you couldnt have dropped a pork pie in his bag too.
I am mightily impressed by your ‘direct action’ approach to life.
BoyOnTop · April 24, 2006 at 9:12 am
Its when they start reading your book with you that really gets me. A paper reader can (maybe, possibly) be descrete, a book reader can’t.
Don’t know if I could bring myself to your course of action, but heartily approve of it!
Matt · April 24, 2006 at 9:40 am
Perhaps I should have charged the fat fucker who used my lap as an arm rest on the entire 6hr flight from Dubai for ‘personal’ services. It was certainly the most intimate I’ve ever been with a person of that size.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · April 24, 2006 at 10:18 am
RD – Pork Pie – Hmmm, mental note made…
BoyOnTop – do they sit on your lap to read it?
Matt – indeed you should’ve charged, or demanded an upgrade.
Four Dinners · April 24, 2006 at 3:40 pm
I was nearly fat a while back. Well, a bit fat. I sorted it out so I’ve no sympathy for the fat n obese n I’d've charged him 20p for readin’ n another 20 for bein’ a lard arse.
This kid started doin’ gymnastics where I coach in an elementary class. One coach said do a forward roll n he couldn’t stop as he was as wide as he was tall – wider actually. He just wobbled over n over n disappeared into a pit full of spongy foam. This was 2 weeks ago. I think he’s still there….
Katy Newton · April 24, 2006 at 4:26 pm
I was fat once. But, in my defence, I have always bought my own newspaper.
PS I love you, Angry.
PPS If I were feeling really cruel, I would have tacked this onto the end of that sentence:
(((hugs)))
Another time.
Heh heh heh.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · April 24, 2006 at 4:41 pm
FD – the foam being his stomach?
Katy – That was totally unnecessary. The statement of affection. Not the buying of a paper.
NF Girl · April 24, 2006 at 7:32 pm
I would NEVER read the paper over someones shoulder.
Heat, yes.
But I am not fat.
Davo the Bawbag · April 24, 2006 at 10:18 pm
It all comes back to the dog in the bag.
If you had a fucking pitbull in a rucksack with you, no fucker would be sitting within 15 feet.
Dog in a bag.
Problem solved.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · April 25, 2006 at 2:10 pm
NF – I get the distinct impression there aren’t man men that WOULD mind you hovering at their shoulder
Davo – excellent idea – apart from the pitbull-in-striking-distance-of-your-neck thing.
NF Girl · April 25, 2006 at 3:44 pm
Aww.
I love you Angry. [hugggss]
Admin comment by Mr Angry · April 25, 2006 at 4:54 pm
Arghghgh!! Will you women please stop doing that!!
ellie · April 26, 2006 at 1:33 am
He wasn’t renting. He was squatting.
And just for good measure, I love you too Angry. {hugggss AND keesses}
William Board · April 27, 2006 at 7:02 am
I do not approve of your actions.
10p is a ridiculous undercharge unless of course it’s the Metro newspaper you’ve picked up foc.
Think profit Mr Angry, think profit.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · April 27, 2006 at 9:04 am
ellie – Hello. Will all female readers please desist with this frivalous outpouring of emotion on here. This is not the Cosmo Blog.
William – You are, of course, correct again.
ellie · April 29, 2006 at 6:05 pm
Is it ok for male readers to wax passionate here?