If any of you work in London then you’ll be more than familiar with the necessary evil that is the Tube network. Don’t get me wrong, I’d prefer to use an underground train than be sat next a piss-drenched OAP making the most of their free-pass on the bus, but it’s still a less than salubrious method of getting round the city.

In an ideal world it’d be limo’s all the way, but until someone tries to build on my recently acquired plot of land on the moon, or that fucking Nigerian priest sends the cheque he promised me, I can’t afford that.

Being British there are certain elements of basic etiquette that are generally followed on the Tube, things like apologising profusely if someone barges into you and avoiding eye contact at all times, but due to the increasing number of tourists and chavs it has become necessary to audibly articulate this etiquette to the mases at every opportunity. Hence the “Please allow people off the train before boarding” announcements.

So listen, and get the fuck out of the way when I try and get off the tube. OK? It is particularly bad during rush hour as the vultures in suits descend on a slowing train and try to align themselves with an opening door much like hungry chicks around a regurgitating albatross. If they don’t get out of the way I find a loud scream or Tarzan-like call creates a gap for me, particularly if the women in the carriage join in with the screaming.

Unfortunately getting on and off the Tube isn’t the end of the fun and games, oh no. (more…)

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