Old people are great aren’t they? Apart from the faint smell of piss and stories about the war of course (I’ve seen countless movies about it, I know what happened, no need to go on about it, Jeesh). Oh, and the false teeth. There’s something quite sinister about talking to an 90 year old man with pearly whites that even Brad Pitt would be proud of. We both know they should resemble wooden pegs, yet we pretend instead that Colgate has done a sterling job for the last four score and ten.
Anyway, old people are generally nice folks, but something shattered that illusion for me over the weekend. Have you ever heard an old lady swear? Well I have now.
“You fucking little bastard”, she muttered loudly into the ground.
Well, I say ‘into the ground’ I think she had that old persons affliction that prevents them from looking where they’re going. It’s like they’re perpetually looking for dropped penny’s. Anyway, I wasn’t sure if she was talking to me or not, due to the floor gazing.
“Excuse me?” I questioned the 4 foot tall blue rinsed figure before me.
“I said you fucking little bastard”
Somehow I thought I must’ve misheard her first time. Old women don’t swear. They just don’t. They never have, not even in their youth. It’s like your parents and oral sex, you suspect they might have done it at some point, but there’s no evidence it ever happend and you have no intention to start looking for the proof either.
“You let the fucking door close on me”, she continued
“I didn’t”
“Yes you did you little shit, you’ve no fucking manners”
“I swear I didn’t”
“Let me see your fucking shoes, come here”
She then turned, extremely slowly (I assume to scan for dropped penny’s) and looked at my shoes. Or rather, my trainers.
“Oh, maybe it wasn’t you, they’re the wrong colour”
“Er, OK”
Had it have been anyone else I would then have demanded an apology, but frankly readers, I was a little concerned my demand might have resulted in another foul mouthed tirade. I’d just had a long held belief unceremoniously shattered, and my memory of TV’s Supergran had already been tarnished forever, so I took my paper and skulked home to check that girls really do pillow fight in their underwear at all sleepovers, and that size doesn’t in fact matter.
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NF Girl · March 20, 2006 at 9:41 am
That is the kind of old lady I will be.
I can see it now.
Admin comment by Mr Angry · March 20, 2006 at 11:23 am
NF – I’m sure that’s not true… I would imagine you’re more like 5′6″?
karilyn · March 20, 2006 at 12:18 pm
the oldies are well famous for the shop lifting…. they would steal the pennies off a corpus eye.
that granny rocks….. but worse i’ve heard of grannys who sell their prescribtions for diazapam and sleeping tablets on to junkies…… age is no barrier
NF Girl · March 20, 2006 at 12:20 pm
Mr A? Have we met?
*is exactly 5′6 and currently spooked*
Admin comment by Mr Angry · March 20, 2006 at 12:41 pm
NF – Woman in “average height” shocker. You need not remain spooked.
K – my illusions are further shattered. I shall watch Grannies as suspiciously as I watch Chav’s in future.
NF Girl · March 20, 2006 at 12:46 pm
*sigh of relief*
It’s just that, well, I have dated a couple of angry men….or at least they were by the time I left.
NRG · March 22, 2006 at 1:30 am
You forgot the constant stream of racism they come out with. Have you ever tried going to an indian restaurant with an old person? *wouldn’t recommend it*
Admin comment by Mr Angry · March 22, 2006 at 9:09 am
* Takes Gran’s b’day dinner at the Agra Tandoori out of the diary *