“We’ve got an extra special competition coming right up listeners, so don’t go away. Here’s Coldplay and ‘Fix You’”

We’ve all heard it before. Your choice of local or national radio station is giving something away that you want. Whether it’s tickets to a movie premiere, the chance to meet your favourite pop-star, a holiday, or just cold hard cash. We’ve all been tempted.

But why oh-fucking-why do they insist on dragging it out so long? One station, who shall remain nameless as I don’t want to give them a plug – the bastards – was giving away a prize I quite fancied, I know the chances of winning are slim, but I fancied it nonetheless. I listen to the radio getting ready every morning anyway, so it’s not making my day more difficult. So I listened intently for the details, and my morning developed thus:

7:30am :

“We’ve got a great giveaway for you this morning listeners, so keep your ears glued to the radio, cos you’re going to want this prize, trust me!”

My alarm went off on queue, I’d heard the announcement so I get in the shower, shave a bit too hurriedly and dress quickly as my fear of missing out takes over.

7:50am:

“It’s nearly time for our competition question, so don’t go away. Here’s P Diddy and some crappy R&B remix”

(OK, maybe this isn’t ver batim)

Dilemma. It takes approximately 3 minutes to get from my flat to the garage and into the car with the radio on, but I’m already running 10 minutes late through waiting. I decide to wait until the song finishes.

7:53am:

“The competition is coming up right after the news, which is next with Laura”

Bastard. Utter Utter bastard. I’m probably going to get caught in the school traffic on the way to work now.

8:04am:

“Thanks Laura, who knew that a cartoon could cause so much fuss! Anyway, it’s almost competition time, so don’t go away”

You have got to be fucking kidding me. Three songs back to back. Is he joking? Is it a ploy to get rid of the less committed competition entrants? I’ll listen a little longer, just in case.

8:15am:

“Some great tracks there from Dido, the Kaiser Chiefs and this years download chart sensation, The Arctic Monkeys”

What? He’s not even mentioned the competition. I can’t have missed it. Could I? I didn’t space out for a second or two and miss it did I? No. I definitely haven’t missed it. No way. I can’t have. Can I? I’m sure he just said that was a great Dido track too, so I suppose it’s equally possible he’s having some sort of mentalist episode.

8:35am:

“What a great year James Blunt had, and that track was probably the highlight, well it’s nearly competition time folks so stay tuned and have your phones at the ready, after this…”

James Fucking Bastard Blunt can fuck right off. I’m now 10 minutes late for work. I’m sat in the car park outside the office. It had better be fucking next.

8:40am:

“Okaay folks, if you want to be involved in todays competition then call this number…”

Frantic dialing now! The adrenalin rush begins, come on, come on!! I’m on hold, I’m in a queue. This is promising. I could be ‘in’ here.

8:55am:

“I know we’ve got some folks on hold now who are getting excited, we’ll be playing for the big one right after the news”

Fuck. Right. Off. You said that an hour ago you complete shitbag. I’m now 30 minutes late for work and my phone only has one bar left. Someone may die this morning.

9:05am:

“Thanks Laura, and now it’s time for the competition you’ve all been waiting for..”

Beep beep beep. No. No no no. Nooo!!!! Fucking bastard fucking phone batteries! The radio is turned off, the car is locked, and I head into work to start the day with a punctuality bollocking, all the while imagining the unspeakable tortuous pain I will inflict on that DJ now that he’s made it onto my Livid List. He’s even made me break my own “fuck count before first coffee” personal best (beating my previous pre-coffee record number of ‘fuck’s when a dog shat outside my flat front door).

Who the fuck gets to spend all morning waiting for these competitions anyway? I’ll tell you who. Doleys and students, that’s who. Normal working folk have no chance on those shows. It’s a fucking disgrace.

I didn’t want to go to the Oscar’s anyway. The bastards.

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