I’ve had a couple of emithers recently asking for my advice in resolving rage related issues. Being the socially conscious individual that I am I’ve included a couple below for public consumption.
Dear Mr Angry,
I have a problem. My work colleague, let’s call him Mark (cos that’s his name), has been claiming credit for my work. I’ve only just found out, and I believe his most recent promotion was due to him taking the credit for a recent advertising campaign that was my idea. How can I rectify the situation, if I tell the truth surely it will just seem like sour grapes on my part, but I must do something as the anger is starting to burn away inside.
Yours,
Phillip
Dear Phillip,
Firstly, thanks for the emither. I’m not usually one for dispensing advice to perfect strangers, but as you seem far from perfect you fucking faggot, I’ll make an exception.
Why is Mark still walking around your office? Do you not know what happens to thieves in the jungle (the metaphorical jungle)? They get punished. Usually the punishment is of the swift, painful, violent type. However, it’s clear that Mark is a cunning adversary, who favours the psychological rather than physical battle, so I recommend the same approach.
He clearly thinks you have no balls. So first off, we need to convince him of the fact that there are, in fact, two huge swingers between your legs. You do have a pair of swingers don’t you Phil? Good.
I want you to have a quiet word with him, in a secluded area, as you don’t want anyone overhearing. I recommend this script:
Mark, I’d like a quiet word. I have something to say to you, and whilst I’m talking I don’t expect you to say anything. Nadda. Not a word. Nod if you understand. Good. Now, first of all, I know what you’ve been doing. Don’t try and speak Mark, that will only make it worse. I know you’ve been taking credit for my work. Fact. No words Mark, be quiet. Don’t interrupt me again. If you say anything further I’m going public with it, and I have plenty of evidence of your transgression.
That’s better Mark, silence suits you. Now, what I expect by way of an apology is this. I want you to get me a photo of Liz from Accounts’ tits (pick the fittest bird in your office here Phil). Do you understand Mark? Don’t speak, just nod. That’s your last warning about opening that faeces ridden gap you call a mouth. I expect it done by end of play on Friday. OK?
I have some rather unsavoury friends Mark, people who have friends even more unsavoury than themselves, and the less said about their friends the better. The point being Mark, is that I can call them into action any time I need to. I know where you live. I know what you drive. I even know what you like to eat and where you keep your lunch. No-one will ever know. Tragic accidents happen all the time Mark. I think you might even be missed by some. So do as I ask and all will be fine. Good. I’m going to walk away now Mark. You will behave like we never had this conversation, but from here on I am watching you. Remember that.
I want a photo. Of Liz’s tits. By Friday. Or the evidence I have of your knieving, back stabbing, glory stealing ways goes public.
Goodbye Mark
Let me know how you get on Phil, I should imagine you’ll see some pretty good tap dancing from the fella this week. I expect to see the photo in my inbox by close of business on Friday – there’s a good chap.
Second of all we move on to this letter from Mary:
Dear Angry,
This guy at work has been pestering me to go on a date. I’ve said no, but he keeps asking. He’s a little creepy and it’s making me uncomfortable in the workplace, which is making me a little angry. I don’t want to get HR involved as I might get a reputation as a bitch. What can I do?
Yours desperately,
Mary (not my real name)
Well Mary,
I suggest this. Kick the cnut in the bollocks. Do it hard and do it repeatedly. At the point his agonising screams become strained and wheezing, much like a cat coughing up a fur ball, then you can stop.
Sometimes it’s worth talking the issues over with people, sometimes people just need a good kick in the bollocks. Here endith the lesson.
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Dr Clip · February 25, 2006 at 3:03 pm
For Phil – Just fuck his girlfriend / wife and take some pictures. Next time he is presenting “your campaign” just insert them into his powerpoint pack. Please also forward me the pictures. I like a bit of amateur.
For Mary – Loosen up you tight old bitch. I bet you are dying for good bit of cock. Please also take some pictures and forard them to me.