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Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin…selling you something
· Posted by Mr Angry in Open Letters
Last night between the hours of 6 and 9 I had four, yes FOUR, phone calls from companies trying to sell me products ranging from holidays for the elderly (I’m no septegenarian!), to new windows, and a new low-cost gas provisioning service.
As it happens, no, I’m not interested in what you have to sell me. And what the hell are you doing calling me at home? Did I ASK for a call? No. Has anything led you to believe I need your product? No? Have you walked past my house and noticed I could do with some new windows? No! The extent of your research into my need for your product, is that you picked up my phone number from some directory or other.
As if that’s bad enough, you’re now ringing me at home, during my ever decreasing “me-time”, and harrassing me in my sanctuary from the madness of the outside world.
Well it’s time to fight back. The transcript of my last call last night went something like this:
“Hello Sir, are you the home owner?”
“Indeed I am, what can I do for you?”
“My name is Andrew, I’m from ACME Windows, and we have a new range of upvc windows and conservatories on special offer for the first 100 customers in your area”
(interrupting)
“Really? That’s amazing, I was just looking at windows on the Internet and thinking how I really need to get some”
“Well sir, I can assure you we offer the best windows around and I’d be happy to talk it through with you now if you have a few moments.”
“Excellent, could you just hold on one second, I have a pot in the kitchen I need to take off the heat”
(cue a 5 minute break to make a cup of tea)
“Hello, sorry about that, where were we?”
“Hello again, yes, the latest upvc windows have a number of money saving, environmentally friendly features…..”
“Hang on a second, there’s someone at the door, let me get rid of them…”
(put the TV on and watch for exactly 8 minutes)
“Sorry about that, bloomin’ canvasers, do they not realise what time it is! Anyway, where were we?”
“I was about to talk to you about sending a representative to your property to have a look at your specific needs”
(my mobile rings, at my command)
“Oh, I’m sorry, I really need to take this, can you wait there?”
“Sure, no problem”
(watch TV for 10 minutes this time)
“Hello, sorry about that, my sister gets hysterical sometimes when she gets phone calls from automated machines and there’s no-one at the other end, you know the ones? Well, I needed to calm her down”
“Yes sir, so about this home visit”
“Ah, yes, you want to send someone round, right?”
“yes sir, the first available appointment is on 27th February at 6pm”
“Ah, that’s not good, any others?”
“what about 28th?”
“Oh, hang on, thats my girlfriend at the door, she doesn’t have a key, wait there will you?”
(watch TV for 20 minutes, I had planned just a few minutes, but My Name is Earl that I gad recorded on Sky+ was really good, and I forgot about them)
“hello, hello?…..”
I’d love to know how far into that 20 minutes it was before they eventually hung up. Unfortunately, I’d imagine this means I’ll get another call from them, but it was incredibly satisfying, perhaps next time I’ll ask for their home phone number to see if I can call them off duty to conclude our transaction?
I do have one new plan of attack from now on though. I am setting up a premium rate phone line as my “home office” where I shall ask all sales people to call me so that we can talk away from the noise of the ‘family’.
I am perfectly happy to be sold to over the phone for the princely sum of £5 a minute.
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