I noticed that the 2006 Winter Olympics are now well underway in Italy. I’m not a huge fan, however I must admit I’ve glanced at the TV in the last couple of days to see the events going on in Sestriere, Turin, and the like.
There is something utterly compelling about watching some smug French twat on ski’s almost throw himself off the edge of a mountain at 80 mph.
Go on.
Fall you bastard!
However, this level of pulse racing excitement is not true of all the events in Italy. Oh no.
Have you actually seen the Curling? The British team were doing OK last time I looked, but this has to be the most ridiculous ’sport’ imagineable. Essentially one guy throws a big kettle down the ice and a couple of others frantically sweep up ahead of it (in much the way I tidy up if I’m entertaining a lady friend who’s arrival is imminent). How someone deserves to win an Olympic medal for that I’ll never know.
More to the point, surely the title “Winter” is misleading? Did you know that Britains most popular Winter sport is Football? Second is Rugby. I don’t see either of these on the timetable in Italy? If you have time to do the research (I can’t be arsed) I think you’ll also find there are more people people playing Darts, Pool, and Skittles this winter than you’ll find chucking kettles around at the local ice rink.
Perhaps the “Snow and Ice” Olympics would be better? And if it is going to be just snow and ice events, what about the events we had a school, those that we competed religiously in each break time in our youth? I give you, the “Alternative Winter Olympics”:
1. The longest skid on your feet
Each competitor must run at full speed (in full school uniform) to the alloted marker at which point the skid must commence, the skid ends when something other than your feet hit the ground, or you come to a halt either due to lack of momentum, or are hit by a competitor of event 2 below.
2. Furthest/most accurate snowball throw
Each competitor must launch a snowball, without rocks hidden inside (Ice may be allowed), either the furthest distance, or with the most accuracy. Extra points given for hitting a moving target (see events above and below).
3. Fastest hill descent on a plastic bag
The forerunner to todays Luge event, competitors must propel themselves from the top of a hill at maximum velocity on a plastic bag, use of the 10p reusable variety is acceptable. Using the big council refuse sacks is not. Again, be aware of competitors of event 2. Points given for speed, distance, and spectators ‘clipped’.
4. Biggest human snowball
Deep powder isn’t just for snowboarders. Another hill game this one. Each competitor must roll down the hill whilst gathering as much snow as possible on the way down. A tip: Put your money on the fat kid.
I’d watch those if they were hosted by Sue Barker. Maybe we could be a bit creative in the events too, if the Summer Olypics can introduce synchronised swimming and beach volley ball, perhaps nude (female) snowboarding or “snow burial” (the bullied kids out there will tell you all about it) could be incorporated next time round?
In the meantime I’ll console myself watching spandex clad skiers in the hope of seeing one fly off piste like a fucking dart.
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